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Disney level evil stepmother. There’s no better description.

There’s no nice way to describe Karen.

What kind of woman marries a man with a teenage daughter and feels she can treat that young girl as a nuisance. I was an isolated child. But the worst was coming home from school with Karen there. She was cold and mean.

I’d say something normal teenagers say like ‘there’s nothing to eat’ she’d respond with muttering how selfish, or just some sarcastic’ right, nothing at all’. Then go to her room and shut the door. Or I’d say nothing and she’d make noises and mutter and go to her room and shut the door. It was rare to have any general civility. Being a young kid I’d take food and cigarettes into the downstairs bathroom and stay on the phone with a friend.

Of course Ken, always with the fucking DARVO, would lecture me that I had to be nice to her because she was ugly and unpopular in high school.

WTF

Your child had chronic bronchitis all through childhood. Is scared to come out of the bathroom. Is always afraid to move, and is always alone.

I managed to convince him to come to a therapy session with me once.

I’m told him, in front of her, about Brian and his friends using exposing themselves as part of their ongoing terrorizing me when I was a toddler.

Ken responded by saying I needed to ingratiate myself to Brian if I want him to think about forgiving me. The therapist tried to get through to him that I was a toddler and the wronged party in this story. Nope- it’s my fault and I should be ashamed.

He also told us that it would upset Karen if he tried to be to much of a father.

Not a successful attempt at therapy with him.

This kind of abuse, neglect, and DARVO has been consistent throughout my life. They don’t and will not do anything else.

I was so lost and so confused all the time as a child.

When is be at a friends house and their parents had dinner ready, I’d wait in my friend’s bedroom. It didn’t occur to me that I would be wanted there. Deep in my child soul, I knew it would be wrong for me to join another family’s dinner. I was so convinced for all of my childhood and most of my life that I was wrong for existing at all. I have always been made to feel so unwelcome and so wrong in every action or word that I would take that I could not think someone actually wanted to know anything about me.

And these people still have no remorse. No accountability.

Karen is an abusive stepmother. Ken is a gaslighting, abusive father. Brian sexually assaulted me and terrorized me. Shannon is a selfish, self centered creep.

Everyone in that family who has turned away from what nightmares I have had to endure deserves to face whatever karmic consequences people who ignore abuse face.

How nice you have fun and parties with people who have actively shunned and slandered a scapegoat child.

You should feel shame. You don’t have my forgiveness. But I will keep trying to make you all face this. I’m done carrying it in isolation.

I’m feeling good about writing everything here. It’s not relief. I don’t feel forgiveness or a sense of moving on or anything like that. It’s right though.

The people who have abused me since birth have not deserved the comfort of the lives they’ve lived.

They don’t feel remorse. Trees never once been an apology, or a show of concern for how anything may have, or dci to yes to, affect me.

Nothing. Even as a small child my well being was not discussed.

I remember feeling such deep pain watching other kids being cared for, having activities and things to do out of the blue, attention from their family. That pain was always at home too. My brother was doted over.

Sometimes I would break down and cry so hard.

Of course I don’t understand I was feeling the neglect. I look back in horror and disgust with them. Had my dad not looked the way he does, I honestly believe I would have been removed from that house.

I was an invisible child until it would break me. Or when they had time to tease, scapegoat, or criticize.

Never a kind word. Never a selfless act toward that small child. It was always, ALWAYS, conditional.

That never changed. Not one person in that soulless family has ever taken a moment to consider that the scapegoating, slander, and abuse might harm me. Not a moment of remorse. Not a second of regret for their cruelty.

Writing this confirms to me how much I would love to see justice at least once in my life.

For the abuse, the slander, the toxic exclusion, the scapegoating.

Or for the current abuse from the violent man, his minions actions, the theft, the animal abuse, the destruction, any of the crimes and felonies.

I’ll keep working towards that.

No, I won’t turn the other cheek or just get over it and move on.

The harm to my life, and the many lives of the animals around, is too much.

They’ve almost destroyed me many times. But they are completely worthless as humans. I have an appreciation for the living things around me that people like can’t have. The violent man and his minions, and the people in my ‘family’ that commit these abuses or turn their eyes away from it are missing parts of their soul. They can’t be complete people and excuse their abuse at the same time

I’m at this point right now where I need to reach all of those past traumas and voice them.

The violent man and the worthless people who follow him are still a constant threat to me and the animals that visit my home. Multiple cats have been killed and injured. I’ve reported it everywhere. People willing to do this are just violent at their core. Not to mention the incident of these men physically shoving me aside, on my property, to cut down my plants. Yes, I’ve reported this many times too. Nothing is ever done. I’m waiting for the state to actually investigate the multiple felonies of the cat lives lost, abuse, theft, destruction….

So it’s all going out publicly. Even if no one ever responds. No matter how few people read my journal. I’m not internalizing the pain. And I’m not letting these things just disappear with me or with my solitude.

I’m sick to death of people thinking they can have fun abusing a woman because they are sure they can get away with it. And I am beyond disgusted with the level of violence I have witnessed at my home in front of isolationist neighbors. I am shocked by the level of casual animal abuse around me right now. Cleveland Heights is failing. Safety is gone. Community is gone. Green spaces, wildlife, and trees are disappearing. They are in the path to be a parking lot suburb filled with violent people.

I’ll have more to say to them soon.

And I will never forgive all of the neighbors around me who ignored my pleas for help and continue to turn their backs on the violence happening in their neighborhood.

All of those ‘family’ members who have ignored my existence, hurt me, or ignored the abuse right in front of them will hopefully get whatever is karmically theirs to endure someday.

And I don’t care if anyone finds it petty, or whatever. I have sent links to my blog page to some of these ‘family’ members. I hope you all get to understand that I have begged to be treated as a human for most of my life. As soon as I realized that the neglect and abuse was not normal. And I have been punished for trying to be accepted. And I have been punished for being the daughter of a woman they hate.

I wanted love from these people for so long. I wasted so much of my life craving love from a soulless family.

There’s all of that –

Other little things have come up during the afternoon.🙄

So I haven’t quite gotten to my list yet. Stuff got done though.

The old pups I’m watching today are hanging out🐶🐶 it’s too hot for them again but we are together❤️❤️

I think I feel more exhausted today than I feel stressed. Hoping to get everything done early and turn in early.

Here’s a cat for happy thoughts

I’m definitely feeling tired and emotional this morning. I think my old pups in walking today would love to take a little pack nap with me. Hopefully nothing happens that prevents me from resting!

Yesterday afternoon I saw a small coyote out and about and limping around noon. I had four dogs with me at the time so I couldn’t watch where she might be going. I assume she was a mom looking for food. I didn’t see her this morning. I hope she’s eaten and is resting. I called the police and let them know she was around and not doing much if anything. I assume they drive by a couple times. Not a big deal, I know. But I’m thinking about her.

The past few mornings my backyard has been filled with busy skunks! Thank goodness!!

The past couple years have been heavy with yellow jackets and mostly pesky bugs after the destruction by that violent man.

The skunks came in and cleaned it right up! And the they are adorable and ridiculous 🦨 🦨🦨

I’m going to post about their extraordinary exterminating skills.

lol, my friends beagle sleeping over handled it brilliantly and calmly. They barely noticed him❤️❤️

I want to work on my next logbook project. And I want to start putting together a letter advocating for the rights of some of these animals, the cats, and caregivers. And I need to figure out how to condense a letter into a 180 word message for an online contact form.

And I need a nap.

This is weird. For 56 years of my life I barely spoke. It’s been a lifetime of people shutting me up. Shutting me down. Translating any word I might say into something they could condemn me for regardless of my meaning. I’ve been bullied, abused, neglected, and dismissed by every ‘family’ member and anyone who should have supported or protected me. And anyone who read the situation and saw someone they could bully.

After this violent man showed up. I can’t suppress anything anymore. I can’t deal with internalizing anything! I can’t quietly accept the scapegoating and bullying.

And now I can’t fit in enough words. It’s like they have just been stored up through my lifetime.

And now I can’t fit look back and see and hear how terrible these people have treated me. I could have done a lot in my life. I can see that had I been allowed I have always had talents, skills, and more than enough intelligence to do so many things.

Instead I heard only criticism and hate.

Ken’s repeated’ everywhere you go everyone around you is smarter, prettier, and more talented than you’

Seriously, fuck you Ken. And everyone who has let that happen to me.

Yesterday me and the dogs were sitting in coopers backyard quietly listening to a mourning dove coo for an hour. I’d love a little serenade like that. It’s mostly catbirds and blue jays in my yard right now though😂😂😂

I have plans written down to try to get cardinals and robins back someday. For now my lulls are a little over zealous. Luckily I love them too 🐦

Obviously I have no focus at the moment. A rest and a list and I’ll be ready for the afternoon

I woke up so late today. Some animals found that frustrating 😂

This weekend was extremely busy with all the furry friends I was looking after. Beautiful weather, naps, and lots of cuteness. Im grateful for the sweet animals.

Of course, my over stressed spirit brings the bad things up during these times too. I am still constantly working to be ready to leave these things behind and let the perpetrators keep their evil deeds. In the meantime I am also going to be noting these things so they are not looming around all day.

I was enjoying these lovely creatures, miracles and blessings! And my dad laughing at my empathy and love crept into my thoughts.

Every time. I express or show my empathy, my love, my enjoyment of the beautiful earth and animals we are blessed with and he laughs at me. He calls it stupid. He says all his horrible things about lives being expendable. I’ve listened my whole life to his disgusting beliefs about children and animals not having real feelings. Because he is a man who looks like he does people don’t pay attention to his words. It’s always been like that. Right out in the open. He says sociopathic stuff and people just smile and swoon over him.

When I took my sweet Lucy in for surgery to save her precious life. He was disappointed. Literally. He told me he was disappointed. He said I wasted time and money on a worthless cats life. Get another cat. It’s not worth the money to save one.

I am a scapegoat to that family. I was never welcome. I have begged to be heard and understood.

Is it because of my empathy? Is it because abuse I treasure these lives? Why?

The cruelty of denying a person a part in the family they were born into is an evil I’ve never understood.

These people don’t even know me. They kept me from speaking my whole life. They kept me from living a life. They kept me from growing and becoming the person I could have been. Whe I tried to speak I was shunned and blocked. When I begged to be heard I was slandered and vilified. And the truth is that I have never in my life tried to hurt another. is that why they’ve done these things? I can’t understand the harsh and cruel games some people play. I can’t engage because it makes no sense to me.

I’m not giving up my empathy. Never. I look at the possibilities of what my life could have been. What I was denied and it’s painful. But I won’t be like those kind of people.

I often wish I could have people around me who cherish the good. I know there are plenty of, none near me.

Mother daughter relationships can be complicated. I know my mom loved me even though she was rarely kind to me. I spent most of my time with her. I think I didn’t know what road to do. I can’t explain it. Maybe someday I will dig into all of my stuff with her, but later. The last couple years of her life changed her though. She was different. She used to say some of the most terrible things. Sometimes even racist and ableist things that were shocking to hear from her. I couldn’t say anything to her. If I so much as sounded like I might not agree she would immediately tell the next person we saw that I said this thing and laugh off my objections. I always stayed quiet and in the background.

When her third husband died she went kind of manic. She got overwhelmingly obsessive with me and my children. She had always wanted to take my children. She often came up with various plans for me to leave them with her and go work somewhere else. I didn’t do that. When Joe died – I can’t explain just how oppressive it got for me. I hid.

After I got out of her space she put her energy elsewhere. The last few years of her life she traveled with her rotary group. They help with a girls school in Africa. Help with vaccinations in different places. I don’t have the details. but it drastically affected her views. Her time with these children opened her eyes. She realized that all children are just beautiful children. When we got together again she had such different ways of looking about the world, people, everything. She was more open, more accepting, less critical. Less critical of me!

I wish she could have stayed longer. I would have loved to have the relationship with her that I saw possible. I’m grateful for the time I had to see that side of her grow. I’m grateful that she had that growth for herself. There wasn’t enough time for us to share all of this. It was too quick.

When she got sick we had some conversations. I begged her to leave me out of her will and all of the paperwork. She made it clear she was going to put me and my brother as co executors. I pleaded with her not to do that to me. Brian has always taken any opportunity to hurt me. He was abusive when I was tiny. Fortunately he never wanted to be a part of my life. But if he was there it was harm. I knew he would treat me badly. He was her son though. She wanted to believe that when it mattered he would do the right thing and make sure his little sister was okay. I begged her to not do that to me. (Many sighs here)

No Carol, he did not, and would never, do the right thing.

The pain and trauma your son and his family put me through was more damaging to me and my life than everything all of you had put me through during my entire life combined.

Although I wish we’d had more time. Fuck you Carol for setting me up to be tortured like that. Since I never had a chance to mourn your death because of your soulless son I can honestly say you did the worst thing in your life by making me go through that.

And Btian and his selfish wife can rot in hell for destroying everything I had worked so hard to have. It wasn’t much, but they are failures as human beings for taking so much from me. Shannon particularly had NO RIGHT to treat me like that. I called her for help to get a simple paper signed to move forward on closing Carols estate. It would have been done quickly.

Brian had said over and over he didn’t want anything to do with her estate. He wouldn’t even go see her before she died. Fine. Carols late husband’s law firm wrote up a small three sentence letter. Dumbed down further than possibly any legal document ever. It stated exactly what Brian said he wanted. He could be removed as co executor so I could close everything as quickly as possible. That would have been too easy and painless for me though. Because four years later nothing had been done except wipe all of my savings out and drove me to complete despair and a dark depression I had never experienced.

I called Shannon in the first month after carol died. January 2008. And I called Ken. I needed Brian to sign it so I could do something. Brian still said he didn’t want anything to do with it but I couldn’t do anything because he wouldn’t sign it over to me. I should have been grieving, not doing this. Both Ken and fucking Shannon took the opportunity to vent their own individual hate for my mother out on me. My mother just died. Each of them did this to me. They screamed over the phone, at length, all of the grievances that had with her as if I were her. Me, sitting there in broken tears begging them to stop, that I am not Carol and have no knowledge of any of their issues with her. I just wanted to get her estate over and done with. But they both started their punishment of me and, of course, Brian didnt sign the paper.

After that I don’t know what went on with any of the estate business.

I tried to pay Carols mortgage and bills for a while. It didn’t occur to me that I could just not do that. She had a house in Walden so it wasn’t long before I couldn’t physically try to do that.

I was waiting tables. And I was a single mother. I couldn’t do anything during work hours. I would get off of work. And there would be messages and emails yelling at me, condemning me for not being available. All sorts of notices of things that were done or happening. I never understood what was being said. Looking back I think that was on purpose. Lawyers for Brian and people that said they were there for me. Everyone would say things in the most legalese way as possible. I’d say I don’t understand. The reply was always something like this is what you wanted. I’d say I haven’t spoken to anyone and I don’t even understand what you are saying. There would be more yelling at me. Brian kept this going through 2011.

Shannon has always looked at me with disgust. And she got to villainize me and completely kick me out of the family I was born into. Brian, Ken, and Karen got to punish somebody for all of their hate for Carol. It never mattered that I have nothing to do with any of their issues with her. They made it clear that I was never anything more than an extension of my mother.

I get now that I was never loved. It was a nuisance for everyone that I was born. No one had any interest in my well being or even who I am as an individual person. But I wasn’t allowed to have any family. I’m not allowed to have relationships with anyone.

The cruelty of what they have done. The betrayal by ‘family’

It destroyed every molecule in my body. I don’t know how to describe what I’ve been through and how it affected every part of my life and my being. It was darkness and confusion for years. I felt some lift for a little.

But this violence started next door. The pain of having to suffer through this alone. Knowing that these people that were the ‘family’ I was born into would support and help anybody that is acceptable family. But it’s not for me. Shannon and Brian go about their lives like they are lively and beautiful. They are vicious.

I don’t know what they tell themselves and other people. But I know there are slanderous lies. I’ve seen and heard enough to know that much. I’ve dreamed of being able to legally stop them at least from the slandering.

If I could get justice for the extreme abuse. There must be terms for the forced isolation. The forcible removal of a vulnerable person from all ability to have relationships with their own ‘family’

They always used me as a scapegoat. From the moment of my birth. But what they did after my mother died is beyond evil.

Someone is out there who will be support for me. I deserve support and safety. I will get vindication. The people harming me now will face consequences. They’ve killed and injured many cats and animals. Someone will investigate. They e enjoyed bullying and attacking me because they know I’m alone. And I am very much alone right now.

I’ll get vindication. Ken, Brian, Karen, and Shannon will be seen for what they are and how they have destroyed a vulnerable mother and an innocent family member. They don’t care how badly they harmed me. They don’t care how much the ongoing isolation and abandonment harms someone. They will pay for it someday.

Everyone that supports these people who abuse me just because they can get away with hurting someone are just as culpable. All of them are just as evil for not looking at the pain they cause and for not trying to help me. All of them are just as guilty for not giving a moment to see how the abuse and violence is harming me. Never trying to help even though I cry out.

I deserve better people. Even after all of this my first act with those I care about is to support and help. I deserve that too

Before the violence from next door I never thought about security cameras. I never even locked my doors back then!

But now I can’t be out of my home and feel safe it’s ok. I check my cameras frequently when I’m out. I need to know if those violent men are around. At the least to know to look for damage or casualties when I can get home. Now I have to include looking if the people the violent men have ‘befriended’ across the street are out and if they are a threat to animals. Seriously, anyone who behaves violently for some creepy old man is a stupid person with no human value. So gross.

I would choose to be isolated over being like any of these worthless people, of course. It sucks there are no good, kind people around my home right now. Maybe that will change someday.

Lots of people stop at my driveway to sweet talk and try to make friends with any cat that might be hanging out. When I see it on camera it brings me such joy. They get so much stress from the violent people around us. They deserve sweetness.

Someday I hope to get funds for legal help. To stop the violence and destruction of my home, the animals, and my life. Hopefully to find out exactly what slander my brother, dad, and their greedy wives spread and send out cease and desist notices. Whatever else.

I deserve kindness. I’ve never done anything to try to hurt others like they do to me and the animals. I’d stop them in a second with the right support.

I’m need someone who is not Ken. It’s like a prank matrix? A big cosmic horror film. It’s a hell loop on earth.

Someone else, I beg and beg. I manifest. Someone other than Ken.

My dad has kept me isolated my whole life. My mother did too when she was alive. But she had definite limits to how much she would watch me suffer.

Ken though. He won’t let me talk to anyone but him and he hates me. I am not allowed contact with his family. If he is able to talk to anybody connected to me he is able to sever any bonding between me and others. If someone is abusing me he will empathize with them and aggressively DARVO me. It’s never been any different.

I have no family because I was and am never allowed or accepted.

I tried to go out and find ways to socialize when my kids got older. But Ken and his wife are social in this small city.

I don’t know exactly what all the slander is, but inevitably someone they know would get up in my face like there was some crazy thing about me they had to quiz me about. I’m a quiet person, so I had to stop trying. I know they have told people I use drugs of some kind. I’ve never been a drug user. Never liked them, not for me. Yet Ken asked me to tell someone I was a herion addicted. What!!!??? I’ve never seen herion, not interested, I’ve never had ANY addiction, and fuck no I am not slandering myself.

Why?

So once again. I asked, please help me find legal help. This man next door is never going to stop killing and harming cats, killing any living thing, and abusing me and my property, and my life. He’s a danger always. But, no. I can’t get a lawyer on my own with $$ legal aid says I don’t have enough assets for them to help me. And you try telling people a group of men next door have been violent and abuse to me and animals for years now.

Ken won’t let me talk to other people anyway. If I got help I think he’d find a way to stop it.

It’s horrific. It’s an evil I can’t understand.

And Jen hates me. I tell him all the violent acts this man commits and has other commit against me and animals. I, again, texted pictures and proof. I’m in danger, every day.

Ken says. I hope you never stepped on his grass. That would be bad, sooooo bad. I mean that would be just such a bad thing.

This man is violent to me. He has had his minions directly throw rocks at cats and killed three that way. Those rocks knocked half the boards off of my fence. Then he built a 50 foot wall of nails(top and bottom rows) sticking out 2and 3 inches to injure as many animals as possible.

Ken is concerned that maybe I might have stepped on his grass at some point. How bad I am.

Always, but look at you. Can’t you understand why these men want to be violent to you.

I hope Dante had actual insight into the circles of hell.

I hope that ninth circle of hell is real for my catholic father. And I hope it is worse and worse for every time he has betrayed his daughter.

I started sending emails to the mayor and the mayors action center a while ago. And I have told them that they will get updates with every act of violence and abuse. I want to make sure that they are as culpable in this as the violent man. When he escalates more dangerously, and he will-people like that don’t stop, they hold responsibility now.

Ken will stand by as this man assaults me and empathize with the poor violent man while telling me why it’s all my fault.

I have things I want to do. I am always planning and ready to move forward with my life.

Amy chance Ken has he destroys as much as possible. And the pain I endure internally is many times worse.

I’m praying to God, the universe, the angels, spirit guides, anyone!!!

Someone else, I need help and support from someone else, not Ken! Compel him to send a smart, capable lawyer to help me be free of abuse. I need to hear something good.

Anyone…,

No time to journal or even relax in days.

I got one journal on Amazon. More pending approval. And started work on the next one. It was hard work. Lots of formatting and editing. Things that are not a part of my everyday life!

I had a great talk with a wildlife expert. An officer actually. Very helpful. I wanted to do more with that information today, but the day disappeared fast.

I know I’m going to face the consequences of talking to my dad. The DARVO and gaslighting was all over the last conversation. Of course now that I try to keep conversations from turning to why I’m a faulty human being to him, I’m faulty for saying im not.

Inside screaming loudly

I wish I had been born to a better, kinder family.

Going to look at the next journal after this to clear my mind.

Bees and friends have been busy in the flowers. Still missing animals. but I will continue to jawed my home supportive of life and hope they all are still out there waiting to come home.

Someday I will not be surrounded by so many violent people. .

I’ll regain my income.

Hopefully I will have some time in my life free of abusive people.