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This week, too much.

I have books on kindle publishing ready to publish. Just pending review. I’m hopeful but nervous. I’m not sure how to handle bad reviews or rejection.

I can’t stop coughing from the smoke. I meant to take a couple leaves from my mullein plant. I should definitely try that tomorrow.

Neighbor was at that house. He can’t not be violent. It’s not possible for him. There’s something very wrong with his brain. Out of it Ken has another chance to prove loyalty. lol, I know he will betray me😂😂

What compels me to continue to go to my father knowing it will end up hurting me?

I want tea I think I’ll fall asleep before I can stand up though.

Tomorrow I’m going to write something here. Earlier

Yeah, my dad tells men to go to my house without me knowing. I get treated like I’m crazy for telling them to get out.

Nothing new, but always awful.

There are large parts of my childhood that I don’t remember at all. I tried to get information last year and was met with contempt and anger and no answers.

The only early memories are of my brother, Brian, tormenting me. Yes, I know siblings tease. He didn’t, there was no love. He and his friends enjoyed terrifying toddler me. We had a shared attic bedroom. They’d call me over and scare me or expose themselves. Of course I had night terrors.

When I was a little older. I spent most of my time isolated in my room. I was bullied at school because I was already vulnerable. So I was alone a lot. I remember the fear I felt when someone would try to come in my room. I’d run and hold it closed or slam it hard. The thought of anyone in my room was awful even then. Those people were never kind to me.

I’m still having to defend myself from men trying to force themselves into my home. Why? When I say no it’s not an invitation for you to keep trying to find reasons or excuses to make me let you in. It’s just NO.

I’m sick to my limits of people coming to my personal space to be bullies. I will never be okay with any of this. Someday I will have money for lawyers and just have them officially stop creepy people. Take action where I can and have a safe home.

I found a place to file a report about the most recent trespassers. I had other things I wanted to do with that time. If I could get justice for all of my wasted time I would without hesitation.

I’m surrounded by hot and sleepy pups. Angels in earth 🐶❤️🐶❤️

I am forced to waste so much of my time on abusers and creeps. When all I want is to be left alone to enjoy the beauty of animals and plant some plants.

At least once in my life I want some of these abusers to face consequences.

It’s too hot to do much outside anyway. But I keep trying to be free of those kind of people so I can start building the life I’ve spent a lifetime trying to get to

That’s all this afternoon

I have gotten so many things finished. I need to get some sleep somehow though. I need to start experiencing long periods of time where no people bully me or the animals around here. It just takes up too much of my time.

I still finished part of a big project and was able to get out some related emails. Phew!

I wanted to put some more past traumas down. It’s too late to start and my stress about family is already high. Ken has been sending men to my home

Too tired 🥱 for

I haven’t been able to relax due to unfortunate revelations. Lowlife minions bullying tiny animals and women is sickening .

I’m using the time to work on kindle publishing. It’s clearly not meant to use with a phone🙄 I have a list of things to finish when I can get to a computer.

I need a full year without anyone thinking it’s ok to harass me because I’m alone. It takes too much of my time to deal with useless, nuisance people. Today I am angry about it all. I am beyond sick of my time being wasted by garbage people.

Tomorrow is going to be tough. I’m going to be tired, no chance to rest.

At least I’ve gotten some work done

I thought since the house next door was being rented. Sort of, it’s a house being used as a motel. But at least there should be times when that violent man and his minions aren’t around where I can feel safe. It turns out the people across the street may be abusing the animals. And possibly trying to bully me also. I was suspicious that they had decided to be worthless scum and try to join in the abuse. But know I know my suspicions were right.

My camera sent an alert. This grown man across the street came straight over to my driveway to scare a poor sweet cat sleeping peacefully. Another grown man is around my house having fun abusing and scaring small animals.

These people have been my neighbors for over ten years. I thought they were nice. I went to this woman when these men were violently attacking me, my home, and the animals . She had spent years saying she liked having cats around to keep the mice under control.

Some creepy, deranged man was able to get this woman to bully a neighbor and abuse animals.

Are these people that worthless that they think they are cool behaving this way?

It’s so pathetic for a grown man to scare an animal. You have to be the weakest, lowest type of person to take joy in harming a woman living alone and small animals.

I wish my camera was better. I went out and trimmed the plants. I wanted to let them grow higher but now I know these gross, pathetic losers like bullying small animals and women.

If it’s hard to see he walks straight towards the cat all puffed up like the animal he is. Then he turns to his cat, looks up at my other camera to see if the light is in, then points back to his mother in victory for scaring a tiny cat. Only the most worthless of women would be proud of her grown son, in front of her grandchild, for bullying a cat.

🤮no morals, no dignity, no basic intelligence, no integrity

May every person in their lives find out that they are the kind of people who bully animals and women living alone. May every person who has any part in their lives know that they are so pathetic and low that they want to make a woman living alone feel unsafe in her home and unsafe in her neighborhood.

I don’t even remember what these people’s names are, they behave like this for the approval of some mediocre, unintelligent old white man. There is nothing in this world lower than people like them.

Please give many thoughts of safety and happiness for the sweet cats that are just trying to be comfortable and safe in the heat.

Too tired to do much journaling. Starting the self publishing process so my brain is as tired as the rest of me. I’ll have this project up before the weekend ends. 🤞

Mommy and baby skunks were back again tonight🦨🦨

I’m going to have to accept that I can’t start the healing while I am overflowing with a lifetime full of back to back trauma.

I dont know when I can get to my mother’s death and the aftermath.

Today it’s about the last major betrayal by my dad, Ken.

I begged him. Please talk to this man. I wanted to have the property line checked because it was sure he changed it. I watched the numbers change online. Sometime in June/July he was able to pay someone or get someone to change it.

He could have been stopped. Boundaries could have been set. As it happened the violent man started committing his first felonies and the destruction was enormous and ongoing. I believe the trees were not even his to remove. There were cardinals nesting and living in those trees since before I had moved there. In fact the reasons i rented a worn down, unkept house was cheap rent, a fenced in yard, and the huge number of cardinals that lived there. They were eradicated in a day. Along with every beautiful and beneficial insect that made their homes in over a dozen trees. It wasn’t legal and it could have been prevented.

My dad was going to talk to him and have him stop until we could have our own property assessment. And I needed time to look into protecting the cardinals.

Ken promised to have him delay until we could straighten things out. He promised me he would make sure we had time to stop the carnage. I reiterated, Please Ken, don’t betray me on this. He was already violent towards me and I could not get help stopping him on my own. Ken PROMISED the trees would be there when I got home and we could get the property assessed.

When I got home they were gone. Ken didn’t pause. As soon as I walked away he did his make bonding. And as he had always done in my childhood, told this man he could do whatever he wanted.

The birds died. The insects and every living thing died. My entire yard scorched within the week. He had already torn my morning glory vines off of my entire fence. he sprayed all of my flowers through the fence. He had me physically shoved aside so he could come onto my property and steal my plants and shrubs. He had lawn people spray and seed my property because he felt entitled and Ken let him know he could do whatever he wanted. Since then there was constant harassment. He has killed and injured multiple cats. The entire ecosystem was eradicated. I am just know starting to see life again. But these animals get stuck because he put a wall behind his fenced in backyard with the sole purpose of harming and interfering with animals. He has poisoned so many animals. And every time he is here he throws more trash over the fence and spreads poison all over his mulch. I’ll talk about the violence of his fence another time.

This is about the things my father is directly ok with.

I knew when I asked for help staying in this house that he would make me pay. It’s always been that way. I never see how bad it can be though. I am not able to think like Ken to see what can come.

I never had linen words or protection from my parents. Never. I was born to be their scapegoat. By the time we moved to Hudson I was paralyzed. I didn’t know how I was allowed to behave or talk. It was always wrong and shamed. No matter what I did or said. So I would go to school scared, vulnerable, and unsure how to be around others. It was the 70s and bullying was unhinged. I spent most of the time sitting with my head down trying not to be seen. Then I’d go home scared always. I wasn’t even a teenager before men in their 20s saw clearly that I was not cared for. A grown man could come to my door and my dad would shake the creeps hand. My parents would joke and chat with a grown man and ignore their terrified daughter. They sicken me. Betrayal after betrayal. I always imagine Ken continues business relationships with the men who harm me. I have to assume they become the friends that stop by the his house on holidays. I imagine there is bonding over slandering me and laughter at my pain.

That’s who Ken and Karen are.

He will bond with men who harm me. Then turn to me with such mean hatred in his eyes. My pain disgusts him. He will get big and in my face and let me know how bad I am. That’s the father I have. When I cry he hates me more. It’s sick. He’s sick.

I’ve done well considering how difficult things are for me. But there are always complications and limits because of the trauma. I work ridiculously hard, always. Even now. I made some journals I’m trying to sell. I really need money now and I know they are good. But I’m limited in how outgoing and confident I can be.

I’ve never had anyone on my side though so I’m not hopeful.

I’ve never had anyone unconditionally be there for me. No one has ever backed me up to stand up against abuse and bullying. Never. I’ve had people empathize and still be friendly. But I am always isolated by abusers. People only turn their backs on me and ignore my pleas.

So this man gets away with violence and multiple felonies. My business that was thriving is not enough to get me by. Im afraid of losing my home right now. I keep doing more and more. And it’s so much harder for me than for people who haven’t gone through so much violence.

This is giving me severe pain in my stomach.

I’ll stop with adding that you can hear a word for word conversation with Ken Come money by listening to the Ted Bundy interview tapes. Minus the talk of corpses, every deflection and every lie and every obviously fake display of humanity is word for word things my dad says. It’s weird . I can’t say Ken is a sociopath or emotionally stunted. Maybe he’s just an abusive boomer. I don’t know. But it’s like he’s reading straight from Bundys interview. Yet, he is my dad. I was still hoping for some type of connection or something this last time we had a chance. I should have known

Geez I am in pain now. The pups were napping. It’s so hot again. I need some animal hugs. I’m going to try to catch a picture of that mommy skunk and her little baby tonight.

I’ll repost my posts about my journals on Stan store. I need them to sell

I woke up with too much stress weighing me down-ugh

This journal was meant to be the notes of my healing. I so rarely get moments to think about myself and how to get to that struggle to start healing. I’m exhausted from other people’s bad spirits. There’s too many of them.

I started crying at the park this morning. I avoid suburban parks because suburban people are the most rude and selfish people. It’s a disease. The plastic lifestyle kills people’s souls.

I’m still missing some of the animals around my home. There were so few left from the violence of that man so it’s noticeable when they are missing. A baby skunk came over pressed right up to its mommy❤️❤️

Money is an issue right now. My business was thriving before that violent man bought the house next door. Every area of my life has been devastated by the abuse. I made some journals and I don’t know how to get them sold. They are good. I know it. I’ve spent the past years mourning the loss of a beautiful, healthy neighborhood ecosystem. And I put all those memories and my wishes for the future into these journals. They have a simple structure and unlimited refill pages. I’m working every day on this and other projects. I need them to sell!

All I want is a quiet life surrounded by animals and plants. I deserve happiness!

I’m still going to have to get my mother’s death story down. What I went through from the Conleys was the worst abuse I’ve ever faced. I begged them to stop hurting me. In tears, on the phone, begging. They love to hurt me, scapegoat me, and isolate me. I know they feel they are punishing my mother. They refuse to see me as a person separate from her. So I’ve suffered because they couldn’t hurt her for whatever they think she was.

It’s too much pain. It’s overflows and paralyzes my life. I have always deserved so much better.

I’ve always dreamed of getting lawyers to stop their slander and defamation. Now I dream of lawyers to recover my lost life and money from the violent man. And I dream of him and his employees facing consequences for their crimes.

I’ve always assumed I have some sort of adhd. I have tried in the past to see if there are any records from my childhood. My parents would definitely have refused to support anything good happening for me.

I think they know this and I think they justify not accepting me as a real person because I am not like them.

I have always deserved SO MUCH better

I have one of those small single premixed drinks. I’m going to sip and watch some tv. Maybe trim the cat’a nails. Definitely snuggle Franklin the beagle 🥰

Dinners are done. I’m almost done with the cleanup and set up for morning. I love these sweet animals. I want to see things improve in my life so I can have more time to enjoy them. 🐈‍⬛🐝🦮🦨🦝🐿️🐦‍⬛

This is a rant today!

I found some wild chicory. Very pretty. So that’s my post picture today

This flower used to surround my yard. It is completely gone now. The entire ecosystem here was so devastated by that violent man. I saw this today at a park and it brought up lots of past feelings.

Im going to write some stuff about my mother’s death this week. How my brother and his family tormented me is just plain sick. So I’m going to get around to putting it all online and in writing soon.

This morning was a bunch of unpleasant nuisances. Starting at emails I received at 3:30 in the morning. Somehow I woke up and looked. Darn my sensitive aura.

I’m tired. But I had a great morning with all of the animals. We are having a little afternoon rest. Hoping the rest of the day is calm. And really hoping the early morning nuisances get straightened out quickly!

This common mullein is having a great life

It was just a little sprout a couple weeks ago. I think I’ll have to make sure it has its own area so it doesn’t spread too much. And save some leaves to dry for winter tea.

The pepper weed is happy to but slower growing

And some ginger is in the garden a lot

The cats love the little garden.

It took me two days to catch up on rest from the heat wave. That was rough!

We had some time during the days to spend in air conditioned homes. But the outside animals had a hard few days. I kept changing the waters and adding ice. Some of them would sit by the trays of ice. Poor sweethearts. I was worried because a couple cats were panting during the day. But they are ok now. And 60s overnight tonight. thank goodness!😅

I was able to walk around and take some more pictures of unknown plants around. I’m planning on getting some soil and starting on one patch of yard at a time. And I am going to remember to records before, during, and after. And take actual notes on what I’m doing in each spot. I’m so bad and keeping records and I’m terrible with following through on things. Getting this right is important to me so I am determined!

Here’s my visiting bees