Mother daughter relationships can be complicated. I know my mom loved me even though she was rarely kind to me. I spent most of my time with her. I think I didn’t know what road to do. I can’t explain it. Maybe someday I will dig into all of my stuff with her, but later. The last couple years of her life changed her though. She was different. She used to say some of the most terrible things. Sometimes even racist and ableist things that were shocking to hear from her. I couldn’t say anything to her. If I so much as sounded like I might not agree she would immediately tell the next person we saw that I said this thing and laugh off my objections. I always stayed quiet and in the background.
When her third husband died she went kind of manic. She got overwhelmingly obsessive with me and my children. She had always wanted to take my children. She often came up with various plans for me to leave them with her and go work somewhere else. I didn’t do that. When Joe died – I can’t explain just how oppressive it got for me. I hid.
After I got out of her space she put her energy elsewhere. The last few years of her life she traveled with her rotary group. They help with a girls school in Africa. Help with vaccinations in different places. I don’t have the details. but it drastically affected her views. Her time with these children opened her eyes. She realized that all children are just beautiful children. When we got together again she had such different ways of looking about the world, people, everything. She was more open, more accepting, less critical. Less critical of me!
I wish she could have stayed longer. I would have loved to have the relationship with her that I saw possible. I’m grateful for the time I had to see that side of her grow. I’m grateful that she had that growth for herself. There wasn’t enough time for us to share all of this. It was too quick.
When she got sick we had some conversations. I begged her to leave me out of her will and all of the paperwork. She made it clear she was going to put me and my brother as co executors. I pleaded with her not to do that to me. Brian has always taken any opportunity to hurt me. He was abusive when I was tiny. Fortunately he never wanted to be a part of my life. But if he was there it was harm. I knew he would treat me badly. He was her son though. She wanted to believe that when it mattered he would do the right thing and make sure his little sister was okay. I begged her to not do that to me. (Many sighs here)
No Carol, he did not, and would never, do the right thing.
The pain and trauma your son and his family put me through was more damaging to me and my life than everything all of you had put me through during my entire life combined.
Although I wish we’d had more time. Fuck you Carol for setting me up to be tortured like that. Since I never had a chance to mourn your death because of your soulless son I can honestly say you did the worst thing in your life by making me go through that.
And Btian and his selfish wife can rot in hell for destroying everything I had worked so hard to have. It wasn’t much, but they are failures as human beings for taking so much from me. Shannon particularly had NO RIGHT to treat me like that. I called her for help to get a simple paper signed to move forward on closing Carols estate. It would have been done quickly.
Brian had said over and over he didn’t want anything to do with her estate. He wouldn’t even go see her before she died. Fine. Carols late husband’s law firm wrote up a small three sentence letter. Dumbed down further than possibly any legal document ever. It stated exactly what Brian said he wanted. He could be removed as co executor so I could close everything as quickly as possible. That would have been too easy and painless for me though. Because four years later nothing had been done except wipe all of my savings out and drove me to complete despair and a dark depression I had never experienced.
I called Shannon in the first month after carol died. January 2008. And I called Ken. I needed Brian to sign it so I could do something. Brian still said he didn’t want anything to do with it but I couldn’t do anything because he wouldn’t sign it over to me. I should have been grieving, not doing this. Both Ken and fucking Shannon took the opportunity to vent their own individual hate for my mother out on me. My mother just died. Each of them did this to me. They screamed over the phone, at length, all of the grievances that had with her as if I were her. Me, sitting there in broken tears begging them to stop, that I am not Carol and have no knowledge of any of their issues with her. I just wanted to get her estate over and done with. But they both started their punishment of me and, of course, Brian didnt sign the paper.
After that I don’t know what went on with any of the estate business.
I tried to pay Carols mortgage and bills for a while. It didn’t occur to me that I could just not do that. She had a house in Walden so it wasn’t long before I couldn’t physically try to do that.
I was waiting tables. And I was a single mother. I couldn’t do anything during work hours. I would get off of work. And there would be messages and emails yelling at me, condemning me for not being available. All sorts of notices of things that were done or happening. I never understood what was being said. Looking back I think that was on purpose. Lawyers for Brian and people that said they were there for me. Everyone would say things in the most legalese way as possible. I’d say I don’t understand. The reply was always something like this is what you wanted. I’d say I haven’t spoken to anyone and I don’t even understand what you are saying. There would be more yelling at me. Brian kept this going through 2011.
Shannon has always looked at me with disgust. And she got to villainize me and completely kick me out of the family I was born into. Brian, Ken, and Karen got to punish somebody for all of their hate for Carol. It never mattered that I have nothing to do with any of their issues with her. They made it clear that I was never anything more than an extension of my mother.
I get now that I was never loved. It was a nuisance for everyone that I was born. No one had any interest in my well being or even who I am as an individual person. But I wasn’t allowed to have any family. I’m not allowed to have relationships with anyone.
The cruelty of what they have done. The betrayal by ‘family’
It destroyed every molecule in my body. I don’t know how to describe what I’ve been through and how it affected every part of my life and my being. It was darkness and confusion for years. I felt some lift for a little.
But this violence started next door. The pain of having to suffer through this alone. Knowing that these people that were the ‘family’ I was born into would support and help anybody that is acceptable family. But it’s not for me. Shannon and Brian go about their lives like they are lively and beautiful. They are vicious.
I don’t know what they tell themselves and other people. But I know there are slanderous lies. I’ve seen and heard enough to know that much. I’ve dreamed of being able to legally stop them at least from the slandering.
If I could get justice for the extreme abuse. There must be terms for the forced isolation. The forcible removal of a vulnerable person from all ability to have relationships with their own ‘family’
They always used me as a scapegoat. From the moment of my birth. But what they did after my mother died is beyond evil.
Someone is out there who will be support for me. I deserve support and safety. I will get vindication. The people harming me now will face consequences. They’ve killed and injured many cats and animals. Someone will investigate. They e enjoyed bullying and attacking me because they know I’m alone. And I am very much alone right now.
I’ll get vindication. Ken, Brian, Karen, and Shannon will be seen for what they are and how they have destroyed a vulnerable mother and an innocent family member. They don’t care how badly they harmed me. They don’t care how much the ongoing isolation and abandonment harms someone. They will pay for it someday.
Everyone that supports these people who abuse me just because they can get away with hurting someone are just as culpable. All of them are just as evil for not looking at the pain they cause and for not trying to help me. All of them are just as guilty for not giving a moment to see how the abuse and violence is harming me. Never trying to help even though I cry out.
I deserve better people. Even after all of this my first act with those I care about is to support and help. I deserve that too
thetrailbacktravel 
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