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Cinders is eating well and seems more energetic.

Franklin is itchy. He is always so itchy. I’m trying apple cider vinegar now. I’ve read it works for dogs.

I may have a day off this week! Not sure yet though.

If I spend the time making a to do list, I’ll likely stay in bed😂 there is so much to do though.

Mulling over next steps towards justice and vindication. I refuse to let it be my whole life. But I am definitely not letting it go.

I am keeping a list of things to do for me and my home as a work for security and justice. And for after…

In the meantime, and always, I can be grateful for the beautiful animals around me ❤️❤️ a monarch and a goldfinch flew through my garden today!! And a new volunteer sunflower showed up this week 🌻

It’s supposed to be a beautiful full moon last night and tonight and I keep forgetting to look. My little Teddy is feeling clingy so he has my full attention 😂

We are going out to see if it’s clear enough later!

Cinders is eating and following me around when she can get past dogs. I know she needs dental work. I’m going to keep trying to find resources to take her in.

Dogs and cats all day, every day. Tiring, but❤️❤️❤️

And the family of skunks, of course. They’ve made a home in my yard where they can hear me. So they come out at all hours now. They seem to feel comfortable digging around when they can hear me in the day. 🦨 🦨 there is a cute tiny one that should have more fear. It’s not even a little concerned about me! It makes me happy, but worried.

Only thinking about animals today. And hoping for an uneventful weekend. Unless good news is on its way. That would be ok!

There is a bunch of wood sorrow and clover sprouting up along the side of my driveway by the violent house. The lemon balm is thriving and all sorts of things are growing vigorously over there. I couldn’t try harvesting any of it. The violent man has spread a shocking amount of poisons over there. Not just lawn chemicals, tons of poisons. it’s all meant to kill cats, wildlife, and anything living that isn’t Frankenstein grass.

I think the plants packing themselves along there are trying to block and clean the soil here. They stand in defiance of the violence and destruction for me!

My space is green and flowery and filled with life

My little girl isn’t feeling well.

She was a feral kitty who showed up on my porch 6 years ago. Skinny, almost all bones, and very pregnant.

She would scream until she got food. Two times a day she would devour 2 cans of food and eat a ton of kibble.

I could not get close. She was terrified, but knew I’d give her food. I couldn’t get her to come on for that litter. I tried!

She came back with little Ash, Char, and Bri. Char still comes for breakfast and dinner. Bri didn’t make. He got to adulthood, but I lost him. Ash found a home.

Cinders came back pregnant again. I worked so hard for her trust.

One morning at 3am she howled at the door. Obviously ready for her babies. I’d set up multiple housing choices. We walked around and I showed them all to her. She chose my foyer. Thankfully! She had six kittens. I was able to close the door and get her spayed.

She would demand to go out still. She left the babies with me and would come back to feed them. Eventually she stayed❤️❤️

It’s such an honor to have earned her trust and her love.

Now she’s not feeling well. I’m going to stay hopeful. And grateful for her.

Gaslighting, victim blaming, misogyny, I don’t care what the reason. I am going to let anyone know how much bad it is to say anything that blames me or doubts the violent abuse I have endured the past few years.

I don’t care who it is saying it.

I have gone through far too much trauma in my life and it will not be silenced or dismissed.

At some point I will be completely vindicated, I will get justice, and I will see some of these people face consequences.

I deserve to have the peace that comes from justice and truth.

Above all if that I intend to get justice for the injured and murdered cats and wildlife.

I’m past caring about whether or not the people who were supposed to support me and protect me ever loved me at all. they can all fuck off now. My light will never be for these people again.

I will stand up for myself and the animals around me.

I can’t believe the dismissive comments today from a person I thought was better than that. But I’ve encountered some shocking behavior from people I thought I knew over these past few years.

I’m done letting them talk to me like that

A man in a blue truck parked in front of my house and watched it for 40 minutes today. At one point he got out and went around the side of my house. I didn’t have cameras over there, so I can’t know what he was doing. I have to move a camera over there now.
He left when I got home and took pictures of his license plate.
I’m so angry at all of this! It’s been years of harassment and having to keep guard of my home, the animals around, and myself. Nothing has ever happened on that side of the house though. So I am HOPING that it is not connected to the violent man or any of his violent minions.
I have this man’s plates and I’ll put a camera up. I also have pictures logging the times he was outside. His truck is full of traps. Clearly he is there to trap something. Any animals go missing from my place I will put all of his pictures and any info I find online and will report him everywhere I can.
No, it’s not useful to call the police. I don’t know what he was doing, so nothing to report.
But it’s all going online. That’s all I can do. It’s out in the world. If something happens the internet knows I have plate numbers. Thank you internet

It’s hard work writing my thoughts down. Even harder to speak them.

A lifetime of being shut down by others. Now it’s a struggle to allow myself to say what I think and feel.

I have tried many times in the past. But it’s usually been family that I’ve had available. They kept me quiet, ashamed, and isolated. So I didn’t know how to connect well with others. But they also didn’t want to know anything about me or what I think about anything.

My mind is too busy. Lots of ideas, plans, thoughts, curiosity. I’ve always had a busy internal dialog going on 24/7.

I’ve shared almost none of it. When I have. Those people who are supposed to be support for me, were not. Most of the time any words I are met with condemnation and anger. I could say the sky is blue today and what would come back to me would be a whole different response as if I’d said something horrendous.

In recent years I’ve had some amazing dog walking clients. I’ve had these people in my life who see good things about me. People who i can have normal conversations about the world and events.

It’s new to me. I can have conversations with some of these people and leave with new thoughts, new understanding, and it feels normal. Healing for someone like me who has not had this.

I get hit with anxiety at times. Like an actual hit, but with a wave of anxiety. From past harsh translations and accusations from people in my family. I’ll never understand what it is they want to claim I am. What persona or role they want to force onto me. I don’t know if I’m expressing that right.

It’s as if they collectively have put some role and personality on me. After a lifetime of forcibly erasing me completely. Then translating all of my words and actions to fit that. I can’t get them to actually hear me. I’ve tried!!!

Now I’m done with that.

They’ve stolen a lifetime from me. They would have successfully erased me completely from ever being the possibility of a person.

This past few years though-

Leaving me to be so violently abused.

Ignoring my pleas for help to protect my home and these animals! And me

I won’t be erased like that now. So, I am working on self expression, self awareness.

Eventually I hope to feel confident enough to really share my thoughts and feelings. This blog is my start. It’s mine so I’ll write what I want!

Another week and weekend of 20 hour days 🐕 🐈‍⬛ I’m not complaining at all! I love that my days are filled with animals and lots of time outside. I’m ready for an afternoon of serious napping.

My sweet Cooper pup is getting older. Finding the right food that he will eat at each meal is a challenge now. He wouldn’t eat breakfast today. I turned around in the afternoon and he ate a huge bowl of friskies kibble🙄 he usually ignores the cat’s kibble. He has a buffet of foods out tonight. Hopefully he snacks a little.

I love the animals❤️❤️

A couple that lives down the street from me walked by while i was unloading stuff from my car.

They were a smiley and said ‘hi’ as if we were supposed to exchange pleasantries like we used to.

The audacity to think that I should greet them kindly knowing that they are willing to completely ignore the violence I’ve been suffering at my home. It’s clear and obvious to the world that there is still ongoing harassment. The continual efforts of the nonresident violent man next door to eradicate all living things around the area is clear, open, and undeniable.

I walked up and down the street talking to my neighbors, including this couple. With rashes and unexplainable burns on my arms and pictures of the damage and harmful traps set up to harm wildlife. I had pictures of the cats I witnessed being killed by them. I asked everyone to help me find a way to stop the violence. I asked people to help me protect the neighborhood animals.

I went on next door looking for help.

This couple are just two of all of them that don’t give a fuck. Nothing. Not even a check in to ask if things are still a problem. No support of a vulnerable woman and helpless animals.

20-30 years ago was different here in CH. community existed. People would have helped and I would have gladly helped another.

I’m will never forgive any of these people for letting animal abuse continue here.

People on Nextdoor actually said things like “nobody is going to risk their safety for you”, “don’t bother people”, “maybe there’s something wrong with you for not letting him do what he wants”

A woman down the street told me I was being a bad person for asking people for help. She actually said I am a bad person for talking about something happening to me to other people!

She is an absolute smug piece of garbage. With issue signs on her lawn. But don’t you dare ask for support. Garbage people.

Through this I have learned that we are destined to fail.

Masses of people posting online that we have to pull together! Community will save us all!

Bullshit. There is no community anymore. It’s dead. It’s gone. I am sure people posting these things don’t even know what it means.

And I’m done with it now too. They can all go rot in hell. Everyone who has had a part of the pain I have been through and the loss of life I’ve mourned alone. Everyone who I’ve told or has known and has ignored the suffering. All of you can fuck off to hell.

The animals still come to my home. They know I am a safe person with a safe space for them. I wish I could tell them how sad I am that the people around us do not love them like I do.

Even though I’m surrounded by the worst kinds of people I will never abandon the wildlife that wants to be here.

Teddy likes to do a lot of lounging on his walks. Enjoy his surroundings ❤️