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People who abuse, bully, harass, attack others aren’t just committing those initial acts of violence. The victims are left with massive damage. Damage to their emotional and physical life.

And for those who may come across my blog who have harmed me, my home, and the animals around me. Yes, you have caused harm to every area of my life.

If there comes a day that I can get justice I will. Anyone who preaches turning the other cheek, getting over it, leaving those people in the past, etc…. only support the abusers and future violence.

Justice will help.

But there is clean up.

For years these violent men harassed and abused me and my home. They killed animals and were a constant threat to any living creature here. they would show up at any and all time of day or night. 90% of their time at that house was spent focused on me and my home.

I could not put myself in any space to understand the deranged thinking of that man. Nor the lack of self required for his flying monkeys to behave that way. There is no part of me that could be like them. And I want no part of that mind set. It’s appalling.

On more than one occasion that bizarre man next door was in the ground looking under my fence with his deranged man face on. ?!?! I put cloths and burlap over his looking holes when I’d see his horrid face there.

Seriously, the man is a violent, strange man.

For a long time they were a threat 24/7. I still haven’t gone a full week without bullying or aggression towards the animals around the neighborhood.

When this is finally over it’s going to take me a very long time to put my life and my space back together. And that’s just thinking about basic together.

So I occasionally try to tackle a project here or there. I want to take it room by room inside. And small areas at a time outside. I have ideas, thoughts, dreams.

So far I have had no apologies. No justice. No compensation. No sign that the people that have made a habit out of harassing me, abusing me and my home, and abusing animals have any plans to stop.

There’s so much to do. I get overwhelmed at times. But I’m doing stuff, even if it’s a little at a time.

This little patch of flowers greets me when I get home. It is always overflowing with pollinators. And sometimes cats😻

They are so sweet. 🥰

And they require a lot of time and money🙀

I’m going to have to be another person asking for donations.🫤. I set up an amazon wishlist list. I’m going to put in all of my bios.

Hopefully there’s a couple people out there able to help out. All my money goes to keeping them safe and comfy😹😻

https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/RHC2UAU1JSOV?ref_=wl_share

Moonflower and Char both showed up this morning. They were mostly back to their normal selves. Poor boys were so confused after the trapping and neutering! They were returned though and are feeling better! There is another one that comes over here from that direction. Oscar. He’s a crabby boy. I hope whoever is doing tnr finds this little one too!

I think another of the cats has a tipped ear. He’s all black and usually shows up early morning or late night. He was gone for a couple days and is acting squirrelly. I understand, it’s a shocking thing to happen to them😹

I’m going to have to remember to bring my camera outside to see if I’m right.

I hope so!! For him, of course. and to know there are people nearby who value their sweet lives enough to get trapped and released ❤️❤️

My stomach is hurting from stress today. Good news is welcome, but it doesn’t make the pain magically go away.

I’m still trying to deal with the news I found out this week. I don’t think I’ll ever get over it.

I’ll never understand why I have had to endure so much abuse and so much harm from family. There’s no reason. I’ve never done anything very bad. I’ve never tried to hurt anyone. I’ve spent my life barely existing to avoid the criticism and gaslighting from them. And they have spent my life making sure I am hurt by as many people as possible.

Why does this happen? What do they get out of causing such pain to one person? None of them know anything about me. They don’t ask. They don’t hear me. They don’t think about what I am as a person at all. Yet they create some picture of me out of nowhere. Why?

It’s easy for them to do. But it’s easy because they were able to start using me as their scapegoat and punching bag since my birth.

How has not one of them had a thought that they don’t know me? How has not one person in my family thought for a moment that I deserved love and kindness at some point in my life?

They’ve used me, slandered me, neglected and ignored me, verbally and emotionally battered me. My brother has terrorized and sexually assaulted me. And I am a horrible person for being sad because of it.

I didn’t even have time to try to heal any of the childhood trauma. My ex and his family were just like them. It was what I thought was normal. And I hadn’t yet figure out I didn’t deserve it.

And I had to focus on my children so there was no room for me. I do try. I was always stopped.

Brio was a nightmare. Brian took advantage of my mother’s estate to brutalize me again.

I had a moment after the kids were grown. It thought for a short time I could do the work to start healing from all of that trauma.

Then the violent man started physically abusing me, my property, and killing animals. My dad still owned the house and could have been there for me. But he blames me for the violence against me still. That man knew it and escalated because he could. All of those men enjoyed having permission from my dad to abuse me.

Then the people I loved most in the world betrayed me. Left me because I got mad at them once. I know there was never love for me now. They used me, and were ready to throw me away as soon as they had an excuse.

They have never had any interest in why I am sad and quiet sometimes. They just walk away. And now they are rid of me too.

So much betrayal from a whole family.

What is it that makes a family pick one person to abuse like this? I never had a chance. Not even once a ‘how are you doing’ ‘are you okay’ I would have been shocked if that had ever happened!

I have other people in my life. People that aren’t related to me or close to my family. There are people who have gotten to know me and I get to know them. I always feel a bit guilty for sharing with people. Those words from my family telling me I’m not worth knowing or spending time with are always there. But there are much better people around me who do want to know about me.

I am grateful that despite the Conley family traumatizing me for a lifetime, I am still able to love and care for others.

There are fundamental traits in me that they were never able to break. And other people do notice all of my good qualities 🙏

Can’t even speak of things today. Thank goodness for a fantastic picture of a doggy friend that moved away💔 love her pretty face.

Everything from today, other than my animal friends, is now gone and in the past.

I love my little menagerie here. 😻

I’m sure I’ve written stuff about my mom. I don’t reread anything I write so I might be repeating.

She loved me. I know that. Most of the time she saw me as an extension of herself. Not always. Sometimes if she’d see I was overwhelmed she would consciously make some effort to focus on my feelings.

I was able to get some bits and pieces from her life history through the years. I know she went through some stuff that got her to wanting to be in control of her surroundings.

Most of my dad’s family hate her still. They transfer their hate to me. No exaggeration here. I can be crying and trying to get these people to hear me. But they continue to verbally berate me for issues they had with her. I have been subjected to verbal abuse about situations they had with my mother that I know nothing about. This is one way I know I have never been considered a person. My consistently saying ‘I have no idea what you are talking about’ isn’t even heard, but is translated to words that are not mine.

I think it’s difficult to convey what it is like being in the family scapegoat position. It’s cruel. I’ve never felt unconditional love from another though I often feel it for others. I can be always grateful for animals! They return the love they receive with so much honesty 🥰

My mom was always the main person in my life. I loved her even though it was often stressful for me. She would be upset if I didn’t do things the way she would. Maybe desire for quiet and a lot of solitude annoyed her. I can’t count the number of personality tests and motivational seminars I had to endure. (For the record Tony Robbins is kind of creepy.)

When her third husband died she got a bit manic I think. I tried so hard to connect with her. I tried to find some way for her to touch a bit of reality. I know she was crying a lot on her own. But she was over controlling things around her. Which means mostly me. I’m her only daughter. If there’s something wrong I was always the main focus. Those people who hated her are either too stupid to see that math. Or just don’t care and want to keep me the hated scapegoat. I’ll never know why.

Her husband was a successful lawyer. They had a house in Walden and he was respected I think. Not by me so much. Joe used to drink heavily at home then rage for hours. He denigrated my mother, especially when drunk. Dinner was a show of him insulting my mother whether we were alone or if other people were there.

It’s disgusting how many people witnessed this the. Treated him normally. To hell with everyone who dismisses blatant abuse like that.

She loved him though. She loved the lifestyle, but I am sure she also loved him. she would have found another way to get the stuff she wanted if she didn’t love him. That’s who she was.

After his death she was lost in grief. I’ve never been scared of her no matter how much control she wanted over me and my life. But she was getting grabby, sometimes aggressive. I didn’t have anyone else. I couldn’t trust anyone to help me talk to her about how she was feeling.

I think she still had family. From what I understand some of them called my brother during and after my mother’s death. Maybe I’m wrong. No one called me and my wouldn’t know who or where any of these people might be if they exist 🤷‍♀️

So I tried. I had to hide at one point though. Things were too much for me to handle and I was concerned. I knew her focus was going to continue to be fully turned on me. I had to be out of sight.

I was right. She went on to lots of charitable stuff. For her a lot is what a dozen people might do. She spent a lot of time working on setting up some girls schools in Africa. She loved it. She had so many girls to help provide for. It was a great way for her to direct that love and energy. And she grew as a person beyond what I could have expected. She was a different person when I saw her next! I am grateful I could see how much she got out of doing all of these things for others.

When I saw her next she was so much less interested in how I was different from her. It was weird and a relief.

I want to just take these things. I have to live with the effects of a lifetime of family abuse, but her last couple of years were better.

However, when she got sick she went right back to dismissing me as a person. She sacrificed me to give her son one more chance to make kind choices. ‘You’ll see, he can do the right thing.’ ‘He can be different, he will decide to be kind to you.’ I begged her not to put me in a position where he can hurt me. But in the end he was more important.

Then her damned, selfish, manipulative fiancé took her ashes to Africa. I didn’t even get to have an anchor, a place to go, to contemplate my life with her.

He took advantage of the situation right after she died.

I went alone to pick up her ashes.

He said he had to go now and he knew it’s what she’d want more than anything and took her. Fucking bastard.

Then he abandoned me completely. He was done with her and everything else from her life. Not a help with anything. If one person, anyone, would have given me a moment of help maybe Brian couldn’t have done all the horrific things he went on to do.

Her estate should have closed quickly. Any help at all and maybe that would have happened and I could have had time to grieve.

Fuck you Roger Cram. I hope your life has been miserable. If you’re still alive somewhere I hope it’s awful and lonely.

I don’t care how angry I sound. I am angry at all of these people.

I deserved so much better. But at least the minimum of basic humanity. That doesn’t happen from any of these people.

I still haven’t seen Leonard kitty. I know he won’t be ok on his own. The neighbors are responsible for the loss of another life. There is nothing but violence from that house next door.

I have managed to get dewormer to some of the neighborhood cats. I need to try some other brands because they smell it. But the ones who have taken it are perky. So I have to keep it up now.

Would love a windfall to help cover some costs!!

The thing I found out a couple of days ago is devastating. I’m having a difficult time finding a way past this pain.

It’s hard get through day to day stuff. I love the animals around me, the flowers and trees and birds…. But when those you love, and who you thought might love you too, take so much and cause such pain it drains joy from everything.

It’s always been a struggle to speak up around people. From the moment I was born my family kept me from having freedoms. I was their scapegoat and target for abuse and bullying.

I couldn’t speak, or move in many cases. I didn’t have any freedom to learn what I thought, or liked, or things I could do. Every movement was mocked and broken.

So just basic communicating is filled with anxiety for me still.

Yet even if I stand still and do nothing they would judge that harshly.

Not even the two people I’ve loved most in this world have ever wanted to understand or support me.

These two always knew I would have, and did, sacrifice my life for them. But I’ve learned it was always one way.

I try to work on sharing. I try to work on my communication skills. And with some people it’s been great. Some of the people that I’ve walked dogs for are so easy to talk to. With some of these people I have been able to talk about things I’ve never been able to discuss before in my life. And it’s felt safe and real and honest. I could not appreciate these people more.

It makes the gaslighting from my family so clear. I could say ‘the sky is blue today’ to family and it would come back that I am horrible, manipulative, mean, nasty, vile, etc… I wish that were an exaggeration.

One day me and the two people I am thinking about today were in a phone store. There was an older child, obviously autistic in some manner, having a meltdown. No one said anything to the family, of course. These things happen and you’d have to be a lousy person to make it more difficult for the parents. I struggle with sensitive ears sometimes and some noises are just painful. No worries to me, I will always get through it and as usual went about my business. One of these people noticed pain in my face. Immediately she scolded me. She judged me openly and continued to chastise me for having a facial expression.

No questions, no thoughts about what I might be thinking or feeling. Since I hadn’t said anything she would have no idea. But she decided to attach something bad to me that wasn’t there. And she decided to punish me openly and harshly for her false perception.

She never stopped doing that. I tried to let her know it hurt me. But she never would hear me.

The other one always wanted my opinions on things. I did the best I could. Always. I spend so much time and energy trying to figure out a way to feel safe having and sharing opinions with her. It did not come naturally to me. I was never allowed to think like that. I tried to explain that. But she would get upset with me for not doing it right. That never changed either. Later she would just come back with some translation of what she thought my opinions were.

I probably am not even communicating these things right. I’m know that. It takes a lot for me to put what I am feeling into a way to relate those feelings. From my earliest memories those thoughts and feelings had to be kept totally inside. Sharing was dangerous. Any sign of me as an individual was punished and mocked.

So there came a point where I couldn’t keep it up. I was trying to convey that I needed some change in our relationships. I was trying to get these two adult people to understand that I needed to be heard and understood a little here and there.

No, not a chance.

One day, thinking there had been progress that there actually wasn’t, I wanted to talk about certain things I had read. World news stuff. What do I know about it all? But, I wanted to talk about different points of views I had read.

They both took immediate offense like I was actually saying bad things about them personally??

I can’t figure out why that even happened. I deliberately said up front I had read some stuff. Of course I did- this is all new to me.

That was it. No listening to me. No asking me anything about what I mean. Just immediate judgement and punishment.

So I was angry. It was pointless to keep trying to beg them to stop and listen.

So I texted how upset and disappointed I was. I don’t think they even cared. So I was very angry at how much this hurt me.

I gave everything to them, always. I was still trying to be able to do more. And I was upset.

I’m never allowed those emotions.

I blocked them for a couple of days because I knew it was just going to be gaslighting. ‘Don’t you see how terrible you are’ type stuff. The normal.

Still, I tried a few days later to see if they would hear me.

They cut me out of their lives completely.

One disagreement. One time I tried to stand up for myself. One time I was upset for myself and my needs. That was it.

Anyone who knows how I felt about them, how much I loved them and sacrificed for them would know what a betrayal this is.

People fight. People disagree. What they did after is beyond comprehension. I’ve never deserved to be punished so harshly for trying to care about myself. I’m not people’s scapegoat, punching bag, or target. I am not a vending machine for people to get what they need and leave empty.

I was right to think about myself in these relationships. I was justified in my anger. And I deserved ti be heard. Those people have never had any concern for me. There is never an interest in me as an individual with a past, with thoughts, and feelings. I did not and do not matter to them.

They were ready ti be rid of me at the first opportunity. I can look back and see I should have felt that.

But I had complete unconditional love. Complete unconditional devotion and loyalty. I was hoping I could start to recover some too.

It was never going to be from anyone blood related to me. They hated my mother, they hate me. I don’t think there’s good reason for any of it. It’s just a bad family.

The emotional burden is rough right now though. I still don’t know what to do with it.

I don’t know if any of this makes sense to others. I probably doesn’t matter. It’s mostly for me to stop keeping the painful stuff inside.

A terrible time, from start to finish. Awful place. True boys club. ‘We’re like family here’ that always means a group of men are bonded and everyone else is completely disposable.

It was devastating enough going out to look for a restaurant job. I had been trying to take some classes online while working a little more than part time and raising kids.

My ex stopped paying child support altogether so I had to earn more money. Whatever. There had never been a time I had tried to do something for me, and for my security, that wasn’t shut down. I didn’t think of that at the time. It was normal to hear I was selfish if I gave any thought to myself. I believed it still back then.

So I looked for more money.

It’s an awful job. Noise, crowds, hangry people, sexism, classism. Awful, awful. Not all restaurants are like that of course! But some embrace it to use their staff badly. Brio embraced the bad.

Still, I could work hard enough to bring enough money home. And at the start it was not intolerable.

Before there were changes that brought the worst it was what I’d expected. And for me, it was always just about getting through a shift so I could go home.

As always I’d attempt to kind of speak up. But, as always, that was not acceptable. So, like many women will understand, smile and act like it’s not hurtful.

Again, whatever. It’s like being around my family. Don’t be me. I had no choices at the time. I needed to earn money. No one was going to help me. no one was going to be there for me. Especially not family.

My mom got sick while I worked there. It happened so suddenly. She turned bright yellow. Went through surgery. Then hospice. Then she was gone. I couldn’t take time off. There was no money without shifts.

My brother started his torture about a month after that. That didn’t end for years. So I would go home from work to whatever horror he set up. Most of the time I had no idea what anyone was talking about with the estate hell. And trying to get explanations was apparently a terrible thing for me to do. So there was a lot of verbal abuse thrown at me. Of which I understood little.

About that time a different general manager showed up at brio. Brett Adams, a highly toxic bully and misogynist.

He started workplace bullying. Like I can’t see him look at me, laugh, walk to a group of coworkers, whisper, and all of them stare at me. Front of house, back of house. As soon as he was there he bonded with others by getting them to bully me. He can’t deny it. I’m not stupid. I’m stuck in that building watching this toxic man get people to stare at me. It got bad. But I was stuck. I had to keep working.

At the start of my mom’s estate issues I was trying to cover her house bills while Brian held up access to her accounts. Eventually I couldn’t keep doing that. It was physically impossible.

I’d go to work at that awful place and home to horrors.

My daughter’s adolescent mood swings were a blessing! It was normal, expected, and her being authentically real. Thank goodness for those times of real life outside of the misogyny and abuse.

I was overworked and always stressed at Brio. After Brett showed up. Management was worse. I had so much trouble getting days off. They would ask at first for me to take shifts for other people for their personal and religious reasons. Then it was expected. I couldn’t get the same for me. I mean really. I’d ask for a day off and it was ‘how dare you be selfish’

It was months at one time. I was involved in every shift change. Open close, clopen. Every shift change, I was there.

I mention it to Chef Jon one day. 10 minutes later I had my choice of a regular day off. So I had sundays for my kids. I still had to keep fighting to keep it though. They still tried to get me to take shifts.

Jon was a good person. There are so few people I find easy to talk to. He was one of them. He used to talk about what he wanted for his future kids. He would have been a fantastic father. His girlfriend was so sweet, too.

Bright spots in a terrible place.

I don’t want to go through the details of the workplace bullying. None of it was ok. it’s never ok. People target me because I have always been abused. Predatory people see that. What I carry from my past is not open for judgement or more abuse. It is never ok. It is always the fault of the abusers.

They had no idea what I was suffering through outside of that place and it didn’t matter. Brett had an obligation to provide a safe work environment.

It didn’t matter what he thought of me or what he knew of my life. He had no right to provoke harm towards me from anyone.

I tried to approach the subject a few times. He’d get angry and walk away. Or tell me that’s how restaurants are. That I should deal with it or do something else.

Beyond bad! No! I worked ridiculously hard there. Way above and beyond. I had no choice. And he made it so difficult for me.

All of this while I should have been finding time for emotional space to mourn my mother.

Abuse at work, from my brother, everywhere. That possibility left. I’ll never really get to mourn her. I’ll never get to really work through how complex she was. And she was definitely complex.

But there was so much bullying and abuse from men who had power over my safety. I’ll never get that time to grieve, they made it impossible to separate what they did from that time.

Men never have to admit their mistakes. They get to harm any woman they want and always get others to join in the abuse.

My dad. My brother. My boss.

These men know they had power over my life. They know they can do whatever they want and I am helpless to stop the harm to my life. the damage the men in these positions were able to do to me was never repairable.

And that’s what they chose to do. Then they all chose to ignore the damage, ignore my suffering at their hands, and put the blame on me.

I hate them all beyond what I could possibly describe.