Betrayed

The thing I found out a couple of days ago is devastating. I’m having a difficult time finding a way past this pain.

It’s hard get through day to day stuff. I love the animals around me, the flowers and trees and birds…. But when those you love, and who you thought might love you too, take so much and cause such pain it drains joy from everything.

It’s always been a struggle to speak up around people. From the moment I was born my family kept me from having freedoms. I was their scapegoat and target for abuse and bullying.

I couldn’t speak, or move in many cases. I didn’t have any freedom to learn what I thought, or liked, or things I could do. Every movement was mocked and broken.

So just basic communicating is filled with anxiety for me still.

Yet even if I stand still and do nothing they would judge that harshly.

Not even the two people I’ve loved most in this world have ever wanted to understand or support me.

These two always knew I would have, and did, sacrifice my life for them. But I’ve learned it was always one way.

I try to work on sharing. I try to work on my communication skills. And with some people it’s been great. Some of the people that I’ve walked dogs for are so easy to talk to. With some of these people I have been able to talk about things I’ve never been able to discuss before in my life. And it’s felt safe and real and honest. I could not appreciate these people more.

It makes the gaslighting from my family so clear. I could say ‘the sky is blue today’ to family and it would come back that I am horrible, manipulative, mean, nasty, vile, etc… I wish that were an exaggeration.

One day me and the two people I am thinking about today were in a phone store. There was an older child, obviously autistic in some manner, having a meltdown. No one said anything to the family, of course. These things happen and you’d have to be a lousy person to make it more difficult for the parents. I struggle with sensitive ears sometimes and some noises are just painful. No worries to me, I will always get through it and as usual went about my business. One of these people noticed pain in my face. Immediately she scolded me. She judged me openly and continued to chastise me for having a facial expression.

No questions, no thoughts about what I might be thinking or feeling. Since I hadn’t said anything she would have no idea. But she decided to attach something bad to me that wasn’t there. And she decided to punish me openly and harshly for her false perception.

She never stopped doing that. I tried to let her know it hurt me. But she never would hear me.

The other one always wanted my opinions on things. I did the best I could. Always. I spend so much time and energy trying to figure out a way to feel safe having and sharing opinions with her. It did not come naturally to me. I was never allowed to think like that. I tried to explain that. But she would get upset with me for not doing it right. That never changed either. Later she would just come back with some translation of what she thought my opinions were.

I probably am not even communicating these things right. I’m know that. It takes a lot for me to put what I am feeling into a way to relate those feelings. From my earliest memories those thoughts and feelings had to be kept totally inside. Sharing was dangerous. Any sign of me as an individual was punished and mocked.

So there came a point where I couldn’t keep it up. I was trying to convey that I needed some change in our relationships. I was trying to get these two adult people to understand that I needed to be heard and understood a little here and there.

No, not a chance.

One day, thinking there had been progress that there actually wasn’t, I wanted to talk about certain things I had read. World news stuff. What do I know about it all? But, I wanted to talk about different points of views I had read.

They both took immediate offense like I was actually saying bad things about them personally??

I can’t figure out why that even happened. I deliberately said up front I had read some stuff. Of course I did- this is all new to me.

That was it. No listening to me. No asking me anything about what I mean. Just immediate judgement and punishment.

So I was angry. It was pointless to keep trying to beg them to stop and listen.

So I texted how upset and disappointed I was. I don’t think they even cared. So I was very angry at how much this hurt me.

I gave everything to them, always. I was still trying to be able to do more. And I was upset.

I’m never allowed those emotions.

I blocked them for a couple of days because I knew it was just going to be gaslighting. ‘Don’t you see how terrible you are’ type stuff. The normal.

Still, I tried a few days later to see if they would hear me.

They cut me out of their lives completely.

One disagreement. One time I tried to stand up for myself. One time I was upset for myself and my needs. That was it.

Anyone who knows how I felt about them, how much I loved them and sacrificed for them would know what a betrayal this is.

People fight. People disagree. What they did after is beyond comprehension. I’ve never deserved to be punished so harshly for trying to care about myself. I’m not people’s scapegoat, punching bag, or target. I am not a vending machine for people to get what they need and leave empty.

I was right to think about myself in these relationships. I was justified in my anger. And I deserved ti be heard. Those people have never had any concern for me. There is never an interest in me as an individual with a past, with thoughts, and feelings. I did not and do not matter to them.

They were ready ti be rid of me at the first opportunity. I can look back and see I should have felt that.

But I had complete unconditional love. Complete unconditional devotion and loyalty. I was hoping I could start to recover some too.

It was never going to be from anyone blood related to me. They hated my mother, they hate me. I don’t think there’s good reason for any of it. It’s just a bad family.

The emotional burden is rough right now though. I still don’t know what to do with it.

I don’t know if any of this makes sense to others. I probably doesn’t matter. It’s mostly for me to stop keeping the painful stuff inside.