Moonflower

I think another of the cats has a tipped ear. He’s all black and usually shows up early morning or late night. He was gone for a couple days and is acting squirrelly. I understand, it’s a shocking thing to happen to them😹

I’m going to have to remember to bring my camera outside to see if I’m right.

I hope so!! For him, of course. and to know there are people nearby who value their sweet lives enough to get trapped and released ❤️❤️

My stomach is hurting from stress today. Good news is welcome, but it doesn’t make the pain magically go away.

I’m still trying to deal with the news I found out this week. I don’t think I’ll ever get over it.

I’ll never understand why I have had to endure so much abuse and so much harm from family. There’s no reason. I’ve never done anything very bad. I’ve never tried to hurt anyone. I’ve spent my life barely existing to avoid the criticism and gaslighting from them. And they have spent my life making sure I am hurt by as many people as possible.

Why does this happen? What do they get out of causing such pain to one person? None of them know anything about me. They don’t ask. They don’t hear me. They don’t think about what I am as a person at all. Yet they create some picture of me out of nowhere. Why?

It’s easy for them to do. But it’s easy because they were able to start using me as their scapegoat and punching bag since my birth.

How has not one of them had a thought that they don’t know me? How has not one person in my family thought for a moment that I deserved love and kindness at some point in my life?

They’ve used me, slandered me, neglected and ignored me, verbally and emotionally battered me. My brother has terrorized and sexually assaulted me. And I am a horrible person for being sad because of it.

I didn’t even have time to try to heal any of the childhood trauma. My ex and his family were just like them. It was what I thought was normal. And I hadn’t yet figure out I didn’t deserve it.

And I had to focus on my children so there was no room for me. I do try. I was always stopped.

Brio was a nightmare. Brian took advantage of my mother’s estate to brutalize me again.

I had a moment after the kids were grown. It thought for a short time I could do the work to start healing from all of that trauma.

Then the violent man started physically abusing me, my property, and killing animals. My dad still owned the house and could have been there for me. But he blames me for the violence against me still. That man knew it and escalated because he could. All of those men enjoyed having permission from my dad to abuse me.

Then the people I loved most in the world betrayed me. Left me because I got mad at them once. I know there was never love for me now. They used me, and were ready to throw me away as soon as they had an excuse.

They have never had any interest in why I am sad and quiet sometimes. They just walk away. And now they are rid of me too.

So much betrayal from a whole family.

What is it that makes a family pick one person to abuse like this? I never had a chance. Not even once a ‘how are you doing’ ‘are you okay’ I would have been shocked if that had ever happened!

I have other people in my life. People that aren’t related to me or close to my family. There are people who have gotten to know me and I get to know them. I always feel a bit guilty for sharing with people. Those words from my family telling me I’m not worth knowing or spending time with are always there. But there are much better people around me who do want to know about me.

I am grateful that despite the Conley family traumatizing me for a lifetime, I am still able to love and care for others.

There are fundamental traits in me that they were never able to break. And other people do notice all of my good qualities 🙏