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The thing I found out a couple of days ago is devastating. I’m having a difficult time finding a way past this pain.

It’s hard get through day to day stuff. I love the animals around me, the flowers and trees and birds…. But when those you love, and who you thought might love you too, take so much and cause such pain it drains joy from everything.

It’s always been a struggle to speak up around people. From the moment I was born my family kept me from having freedoms. I was their scapegoat and target for abuse and bullying.

I couldn’t speak, or move in many cases. I didn’t have any freedom to learn what I thought, or liked, or things I could do. Every movement was mocked and broken.

So just basic communicating is filled with anxiety for me still.

Yet even if I stand still and do nothing they would judge that harshly.

Not even the two people I’ve loved most in this world have ever wanted to understand or support me.

These two always knew I would have, and did, sacrifice my life for them. But I’ve learned it was always one way.

I try to work on sharing. I try to work on my communication skills. And with some people it’s been great. Some of the people that I’ve walked dogs for are so easy to talk to. With some of these people I have been able to talk about things I’ve never been able to discuss before in my life. And it’s felt safe and real and honest. I could not appreciate these people more.

It makes the gaslighting from my family so clear. I could say ‘the sky is blue today’ to family and it would come back that I am horrible, manipulative, mean, nasty, vile, etc… I wish that were an exaggeration.

One day me and the two people I am thinking about today were in a phone store. There was an older child, obviously autistic in some manner, having a meltdown. No one said anything to the family, of course. These things happen and you’d have to be a lousy person to make it more difficult for the parents. I struggle with sensitive ears sometimes and some noises are just painful. No worries to me, I will always get through it and as usual went about my business. One of these people noticed pain in my face. Immediately she scolded me. She judged me openly and continued to chastise me for having a facial expression.

No questions, no thoughts about what I might be thinking or feeling. Since I hadn’t said anything she would have no idea. But she decided to attach something bad to me that wasn’t there. And she decided to punish me openly and harshly for her false perception.

She never stopped doing that. I tried to let her know it hurt me. But she never would hear me.

The other one always wanted my opinions on things. I did the best I could. Always. I spend so much time and energy trying to figure out a way to feel safe having and sharing opinions with her. It did not come naturally to me. I was never allowed to think like that. I tried to explain that. But she would get upset with me for not doing it right. That never changed either. Later she would just come back with some translation of what she thought my opinions were.

I probably am not even communicating these things right. I’m know that. It takes a lot for me to put what I am feeling into a way to relate those feelings. From my earliest memories those thoughts and feelings had to be kept totally inside. Sharing was dangerous. Any sign of me as an individual was punished and mocked.

So there came a point where I couldn’t keep it up. I was trying to convey that I needed some change in our relationships. I was trying to get these two adult people to understand that I needed to be heard and understood a little here and there.

No, not a chance.

One day, thinking there had been progress that there actually wasn’t, I wanted to talk about certain things I had read. World news stuff. What do I know about it all? But, I wanted to talk about different points of views I had read.

They both took immediate offense like I was actually saying bad things about them personally??

I can’t figure out why that even happened. I deliberately said up front I had read some stuff. Of course I did- this is all new to me.

That was it. No listening to me. No asking me anything about what I mean. Just immediate judgement and punishment.

So I was angry. It was pointless to keep trying to beg them to stop and listen.

So I texted how upset and disappointed I was. I don’t think they even cared. So I was very angry at how much this hurt me.

I gave everything to them, always. I was still trying to be able to do more. And I was upset.

I’m never allowed those emotions.

I blocked them for a couple of days because I knew it was just going to be gaslighting. ‘Don’t you see how terrible you are’ type stuff. The normal.

Still, I tried a few days later to see if they would hear me.

They cut me out of their lives completely.

One disagreement. One time I tried to stand up for myself. One time I was upset for myself and my needs. That was it.

Anyone who knows how I felt about them, how much I loved them and sacrificed for them would know what a betrayal this is.

People fight. People disagree. What they did after is beyond comprehension. I’ve never deserved to be punished so harshly for trying to care about myself. I’m not people’s scapegoat, punching bag, or target. I am not a vending machine for people to get what they need and leave empty.

I was right to think about myself in these relationships. I was justified in my anger. And I deserved ti be heard. Those people have never had any concern for me. There is never an interest in me as an individual with a past, with thoughts, and feelings. I did not and do not matter to them.

They were ready ti be rid of me at the first opportunity. I can look back and see I should have felt that.

But I had complete unconditional love. Complete unconditional devotion and loyalty. I was hoping I could start to recover some too.

It was never going to be from anyone blood related to me. They hated my mother, they hate me. I don’t think there’s good reason for any of it. It’s just a bad family.

The emotional burden is rough right now though. I still don’t know what to do with it.

I don’t know if any of this makes sense to others. I probably doesn’t matter. It’s mostly for me to stop keeping the painful stuff inside.

A terrible time, from start to finish. Awful place. True boys club. ‘We’re like family here’ that always means a group of men are bonded and everyone else is completely disposable.

It was devastating enough going out to look for a restaurant job. I had been trying to take some classes online while working a little more than part time and raising kids.

My ex stopped paying child support altogether so I had to earn more money. Whatever. There had never been a time I had tried to do something for me, and for my security, that wasn’t shut down. I didn’t think of that at the time. It was normal to hear I was selfish if I gave any thought to myself. I believed it still back then.

So I looked for more money.

It’s an awful job. Noise, crowds, hangry people, sexism, classism. Awful, awful. Not all restaurants are like that of course! But some embrace it to use their staff badly. Brio embraced the bad.

Still, I could work hard enough to bring enough money home. And at the start it was not intolerable.

Before there were changes that brought the worst it was what I’d expected. And for me, it was always just about getting through a shift so I could go home.

As always I’d attempt to kind of speak up. But, as always, that was not acceptable. So, like many women will understand, smile and act like it’s not hurtful.

Again, whatever. It’s like being around my family. Don’t be me. I had no choices at the time. I needed to earn money. No one was going to help me. no one was going to be there for me. Especially not family.

My mom got sick while I worked there. It happened so suddenly. She turned bright yellow. Went through surgery. Then hospice. Then she was gone. I couldn’t take time off. There was no money without shifts.

My brother started his torture about a month after that. That didn’t end for years. So I would go home from work to whatever horror he set up. Most of the time I had no idea what anyone was talking about with the estate hell. And trying to get explanations was apparently a terrible thing for me to do. So there was a lot of verbal abuse thrown at me. Of which I understood little.

About that time a different general manager showed up at brio. Brett Adams, a highly toxic bully and misogynist.

He started workplace bullying. Like I can’t see him look at me, laugh, walk to a group of coworkers, whisper, and all of them stare at me. Front of house, back of house. As soon as he was there he bonded with others by getting them to bully me. He can’t deny it. I’m not stupid. I’m stuck in that building watching this toxic man get people to stare at me. It got bad. But I was stuck. I had to keep working.

At the start of my mom’s estate issues I was trying to cover her house bills while Brian held up access to her accounts. Eventually I couldn’t keep doing that. It was physically impossible.

I’d go to work at that awful place and home to horrors.

My daughter’s adolescent mood swings were a blessing! It was normal, expected, and her being authentically real. Thank goodness for those times of real life outside of the misogyny and abuse.

I was overworked and always stressed at Brio. After Brett showed up. Management was worse. I had so much trouble getting days off. They would ask at first for me to take shifts for other people for their personal and religious reasons. Then it was expected. I couldn’t get the same for me. I mean really. I’d ask for a day off and it was ‘how dare you be selfish’

It was months at one time. I was involved in every shift change. Open close, clopen. Every shift change, I was there.

I mention it to Chef Jon one day. 10 minutes later I had my choice of a regular day off. So I had sundays for my kids. I still had to keep fighting to keep it though. They still tried to get me to take shifts.

Jon was a good person. There are so few people I find easy to talk to. He was one of them. He used to talk about what he wanted for his future kids. He would have been a fantastic father. His girlfriend was so sweet, too.

Bright spots in a terrible place.

I don’t want to go through the details of the workplace bullying. None of it was ok. it’s never ok. People target me because I have always been abused. Predatory people see that. What I carry from my past is not open for judgement or more abuse. It is never ok. It is always the fault of the abusers.

They had no idea what I was suffering through outside of that place and it didn’t matter. Brett had an obligation to provide a safe work environment.

It didn’t matter what he thought of me or what he knew of my life. He had no right to provoke harm towards me from anyone.

I tried to approach the subject a few times. He’d get angry and walk away. Or tell me that’s how restaurants are. That I should deal with it or do something else.

Beyond bad! No! I worked ridiculously hard there. Way above and beyond. I had no choice. And he made it so difficult for me.

All of this while I should have been finding time for emotional space to mourn my mother.

Abuse at work, from my brother, everywhere. That possibility left. I’ll never really get to mourn her. I’ll never get to really work through how complex she was. And she was definitely complex.

But there was so much bullying and abuse from men who had power over my safety. I’ll never get that time to grieve, they made it impossible to separate what they did from that time.

Men never have to admit their mistakes. They get to harm any woman they want and always get others to join in the abuse.

My dad. My brother. My boss.

These men know they had power over my life. They know they can do whatever they want and I am helpless to stop the harm to my life. the damage the men in these positions were able to do to me was never repairable.

And that’s what they chose to do. Then they all chose to ignore the damage, ignore my suffering at their hands, and put the blame on me.

I hate them all beyond what I could possibly describe.

Sometimes the pain of what people do to me is too overwhelming for me to express.

I didn’t have a childhood. It was all fear, control, scapegoating, and gaslighting. I was shut down at every attempt to be an individual.

I had my first daughter the week before I turned 21. Every minute of my life was for my children after that.

I occasionally tried to build something for myself. I was always stopped. Other people’s needs and problems were always more important. I tried to fight it sometimes, but I was dependent and speaking up too much brought punishment.

I got tired of it. A few years ago I started to stop letting people shut me up sometimes. I tried to let people in my life understand that it’s been too much and I need to be heard and understood sometimes.

Those people shunned me completely. There’s been slander, changed facts, gaslighting. Everything that happens to someone who wants to stop the abuse.

Yes, I have been angry at times through it. I’ve pleaded, I’ve tried to write my pleas, I’ve even tried to express the further pain it’s caused finding out I was never a person to any of them.

Today I found out more information about how badly they slander me. how badly they are willing to harm me.

They, family I guess, made me a villain as soon as I tried to speak.

It’s painful. They know it and blame me for the pain they cause me. It’s easy for them after a life of isolating me and keeping me quiet. There is no imprint of who I am in their group(s)

I can look at the situation and realize that I would not have been able to speak up for myself through the past couple of years with the abuse still hovering around my space. I have had some freedom to express myself openly. It’s difficult to tell how well I convey my thoughts. I’ve never been able to feel the freedom of sharing and communicating. It’s all new to me.

Although without these people around me I have freedoms I’ve never had, it’s still painful. It’s still traumatic to hear of how easily they can treat me with such hate after I’ve given a lifetime of my loyalty and my unconditional love to them.

I don’t know what to do with these emotions today.

Just a day with the dogs today.

I had a million things on my mind to write down . But it’s all somewhere else at the moment.

A lovely benefit to caring for so many animals. They sometimes keep me very much in the moment. And the moments with them are wonderful.

I love naps. It’s a rare occasion these days. I used to get pack naps semi frequently with my pups before the violent man next door showed up.

Today we fell asleep for a full hour. I’m still a little groggy. At the park now in a shady spot with the dogs❤️

We probably would have slept longer. But I had put the space heater on meaning to turn it off shortly. It warmed up to 83😂 the dogs moved to a cooler spot. But my cats were purring and cuddly fiercely 😻😻 I had to pry myself up and away from the heat, phew!

We are cooled off, had some zoomies, and a walk. Perfect afternoon 😃☀️🐶🐶🐶🐶

There used to be a little shrub in my yard. Small, a little wild, healthy shrub. Not pictured here.

Poor thing met with violence😞

It was one of the first acts of real violence from the man next door.

He wanted to tear down my fence. I said no. My right, my fence. It was rustic and in good shape. He had already torn off all of the morning glory vines from my fence. It was devastating. I knew it would take a long time to replace the years of growth.

I did not want my fence touched. And I already had experienced aggression from this man and the men who work for him. I was not willing to have these men anywhere in my space.

It became more and more clear as the months went on that this man felt completely entitled to anything around. He would stand looking at all of my things and discuss what he was going to change.

It started with my vines.

Then he killed the little shrub. His minions came into my property and physically shoved me and blocked me. The took a plant that was mine, completely mine. Trespassing with violence and intent to steal.

I have repeatedly tried to report this and all of the crimes this man and his workers have committed.

The police are no help. They come with DARVO and misogyny.

CH has shown extreme bias and misogyny. From many departments. I have had to start sending accounts of every weird thing this man does to multiple people. I have let them know when this man cracks because he cannot break me or force me to do what he wants, the city of CH is as responsible for any violence to me as he is. The people who think it is cool to be bullies for this man are also just as guilty as he is.

Since I have been putting everything online there has been less of the overt violence.

This man has still spread masses of poisons around, damaged, and harassed. Anything he thinks he can get away with. He cannot set foot in this area without causing some level of harm. When he is not around he has done whatever violent people like him do to get others around me to continue his violence. It’s absolutely deranged. And it’s because I wouldn’t let him control me and my home. Bizarre, narcissistic behavior.

The roots of the poor little, harmless shrub are still there in spots. It was such a crazy thing for a person to do. And crazier that other people would go along with it!

When someone tells you to harass a person and/or animals, the only correct answer is no. When an employer tells you to go ahead and steal or cause harm to animals, a person, or a persons property, the only answer is no. When anyone tells you to harm, harass, or bully on person for them, the only answer is no. If you can’t say no it’s because you are a violent person. You are a bad person if you can’t say no.

I don’t understand violent people.

I was so tired yesterday I forgot to write what I was thinking with my cute dog pictures. I’ll be happy when I look back and see their faces❤️❤️

I can’t believe September is almost done. It’s warm this week, but I’m thinking about animal shelters. The skunk family moved next door. I want to put out some extra boxes in case they move back. I have seen a couple of opossums around again the past couple of days. They may look at moving in.

I talked to one of the people working at the non violent house next door. I let her know the skunks were there. They are animal friendly- thankfully!!! Completely the opposite on either side of my home.

I’ve never been around such a constantly aggressive, destructive, and violent group of people. Every man that goes over there. It’s too much.

On the other side, the people love all animals. And, gratefully, have confirmed that again.

I told her my dream is to have my property certified as a wildlife habitat. It will be a long time for that!! But it’s a goal🦡

So long with so many violent bullies around. It’s amazing how much the small positives affect me!

Char was back and more relaxed today. Poor little boy looked so stressed and confused with his freshly tipped ear😂

I still haven’t seen Leonard. I think he’s gone for good. He was born here and never left. I wish I could at least find him. Whether he’s doing well or not😞

I got some new vitamins for them. Taurine with some added supplements. They love it!

It was so much easier when I was able to spend all day in the back yard with the dogs. There was a row of native wildflowers along my driveway. All the way down the yard. They were so lush and full. I bought fence just so these flowers could drape over it. The neighborhood cats and wildlife would walk through there and stop to watch the dogs and look at me.

I had a much better picture of how they were all doing. I intend to get that back.