Mom

I’m sure I’ve written stuff about my mom. I don’t reread anything I write so I might be repeating.

She loved me. I know that. Most of the time she saw me as an extension of herself. Not always. Sometimes if she’d see I was overwhelmed she would consciously make some effort to focus on my feelings.

I was able to get some bits and pieces from her life history through the years. I know she went through some stuff that got her to wanting to be in control of her surroundings.

Most of my dad’s family hate her still. They transfer their hate to me. No exaggeration here. I can be crying and trying to get these people to hear me. But they continue to verbally berate me for issues they had with her. I have been subjected to verbal abuse about situations they had with my mother that I know nothing about. This is one way I know I have never been considered a person. My consistently saying ‘I have no idea what you are talking about’ isn’t even heard, but is translated to words that are not mine.

I think it’s difficult to convey what it is like being in the family scapegoat position. It’s cruel. I’ve never felt unconditional love from another though I often feel it for others. I can be always grateful for animals! They return the love they receive with so much honesty 🥰

My mom was always the main person in my life. I loved her even though it was often stressful for me. She would be upset if I didn’t do things the way she would. Maybe desire for quiet and a lot of solitude annoyed her. I can’t count the number of personality tests and motivational seminars I had to endure. (For the record Tony Robbins is kind of creepy.)

When her third husband died she got a bit manic I think. I tried so hard to connect with her. I tried to find some way for her to touch a bit of reality. I know she was crying a lot on her own. But she was over controlling things around her. Which means mostly me. I’m her only daughter. If there’s something wrong I was always the main focus. Those people who hated her are either too stupid to see that math. Or just don’t care and want to keep me the hated scapegoat. I’ll never know why.

Her husband was a successful lawyer. They had a house in Walden and he was respected I think. Not by me so much. Joe used to drink heavily at home then rage for hours. He denigrated my mother, especially when drunk. Dinner was a show of him insulting my mother whether we were alone or if other people were there.

It’s disgusting how many people witnessed this the. Treated him normally. To hell with everyone who dismisses blatant abuse like that.

She loved him though. She loved the lifestyle, but I am sure she also loved him. she would have found another way to get the stuff she wanted if she didn’t love him. That’s who she was.

After his death she was lost in grief. I’ve never been scared of her no matter how much control she wanted over me and my life. But she was getting grabby, sometimes aggressive. I didn’t have anyone else. I couldn’t trust anyone to help me talk to her about how she was feeling.

I think she still had family. From what I understand some of them called my brother during and after my mother’s death. Maybe I’m wrong. No one called me and my wouldn’t know who or where any of these people might be if they exist 🤷‍♀️

So I tried. I had to hide at one point though. Things were too much for me to handle and I was concerned. I knew her focus was going to continue to be fully turned on me. I had to be out of sight.

I was right. She went on to lots of charitable stuff. For her a lot is what a dozen people might do. She spent a lot of time working on setting up some girls schools in Africa. She loved it. She had so many girls to help provide for. It was a great way for her to direct that love and energy. And she grew as a person beyond what I could have expected. She was a different person when I saw her next! I am grateful I could see how much she got out of doing all of these things for others.

When I saw her next she was so much less interested in how I was different from her. It was weird and a relief.

I want to just take these things. I have to live with the effects of a lifetime of family abuse, but her last couple of years were better.

However, when she got sick she went right back to dismissing me as a person. She sacrificed me to give her son one more chance to make kind choices. ‘You’ll see, he can do the right thing.’ ‘He can be different, he will decide to be kind to you.’ I begged her not to put me in a position where he can hurt me. But in the end he was more important.

Then her damned, selfish, manipulative fiancé took her ashes to Africa. I didn’t even get to have an anchor, a place to go, to contemplate my life with her.

He took advantage of the situation right after she died.

I went alone to pick up her ashes.

He said he had to go now and he knew it’s what she’d want more than anything and took her. Fucking bastard.

Then he abandoned me completely. He was done with her and everything else from her life. Not a help with anything. If one person, anyone, would have given me a moment of help maybe Brian couldn’t have done all the horrific things he went on to do.

Her estate should have closed quickly. Any help at all and maybe that would have happened and I could have had time to grieve.

Fuck you Roger Cram. I hope your life has been miserable. If you’re still alive somewhere I hope it’s awful and lonely.

I don’t care how angry I sound. I am angry at all of these people.

I deserved so much better. But at least the minimum of basic humanity. That doesn’t happen from any of these people.

I still haven’t seen Leonard kitty. I know he won’t be ok on his own. The neighbors are responsible for the loss of another life. There is nothing but violence from that house next door.

I have managed to get dewormer to some of the neighborhood cats. I need to try some other brands because they smell it. But the ones who have taken it are perky. So I have to keep it up now.

Would love a windfall to help cover some costs!!