Pain

Sometimes the pain of what people do to me is too overwhelming for me to express.

I didn’t have a childhood. It was all fear, control, scapegoating, and gaslighting. I was shut down at every attempt to be an individual.

I had my first daughter the week before I turned 21. Every minute of my life was for my children after that.

I occasionally tried to build something for myself. I was always stopped. Other people’s needs and problems were always more important. I tried to fight it sometimes, but I was dependent and speaking up too much brought punishment.

I got tired of it. A few years ago I started to stop letting people shut me up sometimes. I tried to let people in my life understand that it’s been too much and I need to be heard and understood sometimes.

Those people shunned me completely. There’s been slander, changed facts, gaslighting. Everything that happens to someone who wants to stop the abuse.

Yes, I have been angry at times through it. I’ve pleaded, I’ve tried to write my pleas, I’ve even tried to express the further pain it’s caused finding out I was never a person to any of them.

Today I found out more information about how badly they slander me. how badly they are willing to harm me.

They, family I guess, made me a villain as soon as I tried to speak.

It’s painful. They know it and blame me for the pain they cause me. It’s easy for them after a life of isolating me and keeping me quiet. There is no imprint of who I am in their group(s)

I can look at the situation and realize that I would not have been able to speak up for myself through the past couple of years with the abuse still hovering around my space. I have had some freedom to express myself openly. It’s difficult to tell how well I convey my thoughts. I’ve never been able to feel the freedom of sharing and communicating. It’s all new to me.

Although without these people around me I have freedoms I’ve never had, it’s still painful. It’s still traumatic to hear of how easily they can treat me with such hate after I’ve given a lifetime of my loyalty and my unconditional love to them.

I don’t know what to do with these emotions today.