Category: Uncategorized

One of those days that I managed to get a long list of things done other than the animal care from 5-8. I’m not done cleaning and setting things up for the morning. So it’ll be awhile before I get off my feet.

I miss the sun rising early already. It makes it easier to get moving. I’ve got 1 1/2 – 2 hours of caring for these little ones around here before I leave to pick up pups. All day dog walking and playing with them. Then night time is 2-4 hours of work and clean up depending on who’s here and mess from the day. There’s playing during this all if my dog friends are here. Then cozy cuddling with my animal friends🥰

I’m not complaining about it. I wish I had more money to make things a bit easier! But it’s what I’ve been given to do and I love them with all of my heart❤️❤️

I would be nice to have better neighbors too, of course! That will also make things easier. (I’m sure it will happen someday)

Other chores are done today too!

I got most of that large bill paid. And I think I have a payment plan set up? That windfall that astrologers say are in the readings hasn’t shown up in my account yet. It would be great to have that paid in full!

If things are quiet for a bit. I mean no surprise abuse, attacks, or harassment. I could be on track to do a full grocery shopping trip🤞

Those attacks always end up meaning I have to spend money or give up some time. 😠

That’s my goal. Grocery shopping. I want run up to Trader Joe’s. And Whole Foods. There’s a seasonal produce shop nearby.

What a stupid time to be living in where anyone hopes for a windfall to go grocery shopping. And it’s so many people living like this.

I’m tired and hungry so I’m gonna be cranky about it.

I’ll say up front it’s not all men. Yesterday a neighbor from a few doors down was standing in front of my house talking on the phone. I looked outside and three cats had gathered behind him to listen. This is a safe person. They felt it and he let them just watch without reacting. I feel bed for probably interrupting his call. It’s rare for the animals here to experience kindness from men. So I mentioned how nice it was to see them happy near him.

So it’s not all men. So many men love animals and nature. I follow many men and women who care for animals.

It seems all the violent men are involved with the house next door. There must be a list somewhere for short term rentals. Only violent, destructive, or abusive people allowed to rent. I was leaving this morning and heard yet another grown man screaming and lunging at a tiny cat. Disgusting.

Any man who cannot be kind to an animal is disgusting. I feel bad for their two large dogs. They seem bored. So they bark and one of these grown men barks at them out the door. That’s all I hear from the dogs.

I talk to the dogs when I’m outside talking to the animals, birds, trees, and plants. They quiet down when I talk to them.

They haven’t turned off their bug zapper since, I think, before August. That last lightening bug flying that way will haunt me forever. I tried to divert it. Their season is mostly over I think. 🤔 m hoping there are enough baby lightening bugs in my yard for more next year.

Nothing will be mowed, cut, or removed from my yard. It’s a bit wild to preserve life now. And it will stay that way!

There was a weird smell in the backyard. There’s always lots of smells because I welcome all animals😂 I don’t want to leave it though in case they are spraying coyote urine, or something unnecessary. Nothing like that is a deterrent. The raccoons and skunks are out there right now. But there are coyotes around and about. None have been spotted in this area as far as I know and it’s not the best neighborhood for them. So I sprayed my fence board with a little thyme and cinnamon. Should mask it enough if that’s what I smelled.

🦨🦝

I don’t know how often these men are abusive to the cats and animals. It’s a short term rental so I can try to hope for a better couple next time 🤷‍♀️

I’m sick of having to watch for violent acts toward everything, including me, from that house. Everyone who goes through that place seems determined to kill and remove all life from the area.

Praying for justice

I will always welcome life at my home. There’s a pretty doe that loves snacking on everything here. I have to remember to look up if all the bird seed she gets into is ok for her. I love them all and they can stay❤️

When my first baby was still brand new, less than six months, my mom and I were shopping.

She said “let me watch her. Go look at that outfit over there.” I don’t want to. I didn’t want to let her go ever! Carol wouldn’t stop. She was working the guilt trip that she’s grandma, it’s safe, it’s just a second, go look.

It was only a couple feet so I walked over and my mother was in front of me with no baby, smirking.

“Where’d you leave the baby?” She said, laughing. She went on saying it’s normal. Everyone loses their baby at least once. you’re not able to think so soon after birth. Still laughing at me.

I felt such fear. I was shaking and sick.

There wasn’t anything I could say. She denied ever telling me to leave her with my baby.

Why did she do that? It only takes a second for a baby to be stolen. I knew that.

She would occasionally call me up to remind me that social services could come take her just because I wasn’t married. I knew it was to scare me. But both my parents have always spun everything to be blame and shame on me.

Some of my clients have had babies through the years. Since I watch their dogs I see how supportive families behave. It’s so beautiful. I can’t help but feel envious and mourn for what I never had.

Maybe I can sort through all of the ways my family worked to make things harder for me when I had babies.

Still… why? Why do these things to me or anyone.

I’m tired and tonight is a much more quiet night than the past week.

I have a large bill to pay this week. I have most of it, but am working on how to get the rest. Astrologists keep posting that a surprise windfall is imminent. Perfect timing! Where’s it coming from?! I’ll keep working on other things in the meantime.

I’m trying to keep things quiet this afternoon. The dogs had some wild zoomies this morning! It’s too humid out here now for that. So keeping the zoomies short. We are at an older dogs house most of the day. He likes being around his friends and his yard❤️

Happy to do anything for him. But his crazy friends make a MESS

We will be spending tomorrow cleaning up yards and dogs before everyone goes home.

It’s a great distraction from all of the things I urgently have to have done this coming week. Caretaking 24/7 is hard work. Exhausting! I live all of the animals so much so it’s perfect.

I’ll worry about the worries when they are home.

Always take care of animals. As many as possible. They are all perfect and good for the soul🥰

I don’t want to lose hope. There has been so much destruction to my life, my home and property, my business, and all of the living things around me.

I’ve tried legal aid. I don’t have enough assets they say. I’ve tried putting my requests through online legal seeking sites. But they always come back saying you can’t get help without lots of money.

I don’t think I’ve seen the end of the harassment and the problems that come with it. It’s impossible to actually move forward while it’s unresolved and always a threat.

There’s so much I want to do. Fix up my home, use my yard like I used to, be free to rebuild my business to where it was before…

Mostly the want to live my life every day without knowing there is some level of harassment coming to my home at any and every moment.

I used to quietly retreat at any sign of negativity from others. I’d go home. And I could feel comfort and security in my solitude in my home.

That has been taken from me. I no longer have any safe space.

I hope every day that it is the day when I would get enough money to outright hire lawyers. Or someone would say we can get these people to leave you alone and get them to pay all your legal fees with enough to always have lawyers on retainer. Yay!

That’s the dream

I want to know the feeling of being safe to live freely in my home again

I am watching my oldest little pup this week. 15 1/2. He can’t hear much anymore and he has arthritis so meds to take. I love him so much. I want him to all of the sudden be a puppy again and live forever ❤️ I also have a six month old puppy. A new sister for Jack. They are both high energy! ANC the little one is still learning everything. Soooo sweet. It’s a tiring week. And still very hot. I am worn out by the end of the day and don’t have much energy for anything but dogs and cats!

I put a reel on my socials for one of my journals. I was too tired to think much about so it’s just a look at the pages😂

Thankful for the rain tonight. The air feels wonderful

Growing up I would occasionally ask my parents questions about their lives. It was always ‘none of your business’. I could not ask and they did not share. I was also not allowed to mention my feelings or thoughts about things from my life.

My leg broken by some neighbor kid, third degree burns in a hotel shower, stung by yellow jackets at camp until I blacked out, or any normal day to day occurrences whether good or bad.

Sharing my thoughts or feelings was met with absolute silence. Questions were responded to with hostility that would shut me down immediately.

Wtf was this about?

I was always their scapegoat. Was it just to keep me as that usable object? I don’t know. I wonder if anyone knows. I’ve tried looking up this family behavior but can’t imagine where to begin the search.

I got snippets of my mom’s history through the years. And when I got older I could sometimes share my feelings of if I timed it right. At the end of her life it changed drastically. It could have been great had she lived-sigh

Ken is worse.

These last few years I have witnessed a level of violence in men that I have not seen before. It’s not over. I am still always on watch for violence towards me, my property, and mostly towards the animals around my house.

This man next door was escalating ti an alarming level last autumn. I still fully believe he was trying to eliminate me and all of the animals around before he put his house up for rent. That’s when I started putting all of my images and facts about the violence online. My dad refused to look or help. He, like always, refused to allow me access to or help from his family.

The trauma I was experiencing was beyond what one can handle alone. After a lifetime of internalizing the trauma from family abuse it was too much. None of it is internalized now. It is all going out in the open. Names and all. While groups of people seem to think that it’s ok to enjoy abusing a woman because she’s alone. Well, I’m not ok with it. And it will all be available online should anything ever happen to me.

Back to Ken. This overwhelming trauma list needed answers. I asked my dad and brother for some information about my life, my childhood. Things I am unclear of or just don’t know.

It’s still the same. Ken was furious that I would ask. How dare I bother him with my life.

Brian blocks me. He won’t ever feel any remorse and will always slander me and block me from my own family rather than be honest or accountable.

There are better people in my life. I’m unfortunately unable to really feel safe with connections. These people were too abusive. Still too abusive. The trauma affects every part of me and my life.

But still… why?!

What is the point of treating someone this way?

I can’t understand how the people who are supposed to care are able to spend my entire life doing these things?

How dies a group of men behave so horribly?! I’ve never seen such a violent group of men. There is no level of violence they are not willing to take.

Usually groups like that have men with limits somewhere!! None here.

I don’t miss kind acts from men ever now. It’s always appreciated. Thanks to the kind ones.

Someone walked in my yard today, to show kindness to one of the community cats. Lots of people smile at them at say sweet things to them when they walk by. But there has been a lot of violence towards them from immediate neighbors. This was someone from the house on the other side of mine. One of these cats let him pet him! I can’t express how nice it is to see these cats appreciated and safe.

I am going to take it as a sign of easier, safer times ahead for these animals. At least for the moment I can sleep thinking someone else nearby is kind to animals

🐈‍⬛🦨🐦‍⬛🦝🐕‍🦺

I’m sitting at Lakeview with my little pack of pups listening to the Cooper’s hawks hunting little scared birds. It’s not relaxing bird sounds!

There are so many less birds in general now than past years. Most days I travel the parks and hear almost no birds now. The hunts must be harder for the birds of prey.

And here at the cemetery they have bait traps around their offices. And feel nauseous just thinking about it. The poor hawks and eagles catch poisoned rodents when there are not enough birds around.

Humans are such failures.

I’m an introvert, so I think of myself as a person who likes quiet. But it’s solitude I enjoy. These quiet skies are awful. I want the noise back in the trees now thank you

Sometimes my clients and people I know will say something nice about me. They’ll notice a nice thing I’ve done or something they like about me. It feels awkward every time. I want to get rid of that so I can enjoy the kindness towards me. I have met some wonderful people in the past few years. And I want to know the feeling of just simply accepting a compliment.

I was born to be a scapegoat for my family. Ridicule, teasing, judgement. My laugh would be funny, my walk, my looks.

I didn’t have opportunities to learn about myself, my skills, my personality because it was always necessary to hold back and stay still.

When my parents divorced I was the scapegoat for everyone’s hate for each other. Each parent would vent what they hated. Often the blame was put directly on me. Mom, dad, stepfathers, stepmother. My mother in law became friends with my mother and quickly learned to do the same.

One day she trapped me in her kitchen and spent a full hour yelling at me. The was to blame for her husbands heart condition, for mental illness in their family, for all of her personal problems. The list went on for an hour with me crying for her to stop. My ex and his father were both close by in another room. Neither stepped in. They listened and let it happen. Common and typical.

Never once has anyone in my family stopped the abuse and scapegoating. My tears meant nothing to them.

I grew up believing that I was fundamentally flawed. Of course I know how abusive it was now. But a lot of those things linger.

Every time they retraumatize me it’s like I am pulling myself out of that bullied and abused child all over again. That’s where I am again. Over the holidays I begged for one of them. Any one of them to help me.

The actions of that family are beyond cruelty.

I am working so hard to come through this too. Every part of my life has been harmed over the past couple of years. I’ve fought so hard. And as usual, alone.

Geez it’s cruel