Uneasy compliments

Sometimes my clients and people I know will say something nice about me. They’ll notice a nice thing I’ve done or something they like about me. It feels awkward every time. I want to get rid of that so I can enjoy the kindness towards me. I have met some wonderful people in the past few years. And I want to know the feeling of just simply accepting a compliment.

I was born to be a scapegoat for my family. Ridicule, teasing, judgement. My laugh would be funny, my walk, my looks.

I didn’t have opportunities to learn about myself, my skills, my personality because it was always necessary to hold back and stay still.

When my parents divorced I was the scapegoat for everyone’s hate for each other. Each parent would vent what they hated. Often the blame was put directly on me. Mom, dad, stepfathers, stepmother. My mother in law became friends with my mother and quickly learned to do the same.

One day she trapped me in her kitchen and spent a full hour yelling at me. The was to blame for her husbands heart condition, for mental illness in their family, for all of her personal problems. The list went on for an hour with me crying for her to stop. My ex and his father were both close by in another room. Neither stepped in. They listened and let it happen. Common and typical.

Never once has anyone in my family stopped the abuse and scapegoating. My tears meant nothing to them.

I grew up believing that I was fundamentally flawed. Of course I know how abusive it was now. But a lot of those things linger.

Every time they retraumatize me it’s like I am pulling myself out of that bullied and abused child all over again. That’s where I am again. Over the holidays I begged for one of them. Any one of them to help me.

The actions of that family are beyond cruelty.

I am working so hard to come through this too. Every part of my life has been harmed over the past couple of years. I’ve fought so hard. And as usual, alone.

Geez it’s cruel