IDK

When my first baby was still brand new, less than six months, my mom and I were shopping.

She said “let me watch her. Go look at that outfit over there.” I don’t want to. I didn’t want to let her go ever! Carol wouldn’t stop. She was working the guilt trip that she’s grandma, it’s safe, it’s just a second, go look.

It was only a couple feet so I walked over and my mother was in front of me with no baby, smirking.

“Where’d you leave the baby?” She said, laughing. She went on saying it’s normal. Everyone loses their baby at least once. you’re not able to think so soon after birth. Still laughing at me.

I felt such fear. I was shaking and sick.

There wasn’t anything I could say. She denied ever telling me to leave her with my baby.

Why did she do that? It only takes a second for a baby to be stolen. I knew that.

She would occasionally call me up to remind me that social services could come take her just because I wasn’t married. I knew it was to scare me. But both my parents have always spun everything to be blame and shame on me.

Some of my clients have had babies through the years. Since I watch their dogs I see how supportive families behave. It’s so beautiful. I can’t help but feel envious and mourn for what I never had.

Maybe I can sort through all of the ways my family worked to make things harder for me when I had babies.

Still… why? Why do these things to me or anyone.

I’m tired and tonight is a much more quiet night than the past week.

I have a large bill to pay this week. I have most of it, but am working on how to get the rest. Astrologists keep posting that a surprise windfall is imminent. Perfect timing! Where’s it coming from?! I’ll keep working on other things in the meantime.