None of my business

Growing up I would occasionally ask my parents questions about their lives. It was always ‘none of your business’. I could not ask and they did not share. I was also not allowed to mention my feelings or thoughts about things from my life.

My leg broken by some neighbor kid, third degree burns in a hotel shower, stung by yellow jackets at camp until I blacked out, or any normal day to day occurrences whether good or bad.

Sharing my thoughts or feelings was met with absolute silence. Questions were responded to with hostility that would shut me down immediately.

Wtf was this about?

I was always their scapegoat. Was it just to keep me as that usable object? I don’t know. I wonder if anyone knows. I’ve tried looking up this family behavior but can’t imagine where to begin the search.

I got snippets of my mom’s history through the years. And when I got older I could sometimes share my feelings of if I timed it right. At the end of her life it changed drastically. It could have been great had she lived-sigh

Ken is worse.

These last few years I have witnessed a level of violence in men that I have not seen before. It’s not over. I am still always on watch for violence towards me, my property, and mostly towards the animals around my house.

This man next door was escalating ti an alarming level last autumn. I still fully believe he was trying to eliminate me and all of the animals around before he put his house up for rent. That’s when I started putting all of my images and facts about the violence online. My dad refused to look or help. He, like always, refused to allow me access to or help from his family.

The trauma I was experiencing was beyond what one can handle alone. After a lifetime of internalizing the trauma from family abuse it was too much. None of it is internalized now. It is all going out in the open. Names and all. While groups of people seem to think that it’s ok to enjoy abusing a woman because she’s alone. Well, I’m not ok with it. And it will all be available online should anything ever happen to me.

Back to Ken. This overwhelming trauma list needed answers. I asked my dad and brother for some information about my life, my childhood. Things I am unclear of or just don’t know.

It’s still the same. Ken was furious that I would ask. How dare I bother him with my life.

Brian blocks me. He won’t ever feel any remorse and will always slander me and block me from my own family rather than be honest or accountable.

There are better people in my life. I’m unfortunately unable to really feel safe with connections. These people were too abusive. Still too abusive. The trauma affects every part of me and my life.

But still… why?!

What is the point of treating someone this way?

I can’t understand how the people who are supposed to care are able to spend my entire life doing these things?

How dies a group of men behave so horribly?! I’ve never seen such a violent group of men. There is no level of violence they are not willing to take.

Usually groups like that have men with limits somewhere!! None here.

I don’t miss kind acts from men ever now. It’s always appreciated. Thanks to the kind ones.