Category: Uncategorized

Too hot for pups! I saw one of the cats that was missing. Now I’m hoping they are all in cool spots. I’ll keep icing the water dishes I have outside. They know where they are.

Most of the time my job is the most wonderful job ever. I get to spend all my time with sweet animals. But extreme weather days, although tough, bring up other stuff.

I am blessed with the people I get to work for. When the weather is very hot or cold. These people of course love to know how their pups will be safe in the weather. They also think of me. It’s an awkward, but nice, situation. I did not have a family that looked after my well being much. Physically, emotionally, nor psychologically. In fact, they often smirked when they would leave me in situations that were bad for me.

So now it’s a struggle to accept the kindness I receive from the people in my life. It took me a long time to realize it is often real kindness towards me like I’m an actual person! It’s difficult for me to stop myself from completely deflecting acts and words of kindness towards myself. I hope I’m getting the hang of just saying thank you without the internal struggle showing😂

I’ve spent so much of my life begging my dad to realize I am neither his ex wife nor an extension of her. Maybe he just hates me as much as it looks like he does 🤷‍♀️ the hatred in his face and his words sometimes is frightening to say the least. He’s always done that to me. I could be thinking maybe this time he is trying to be a father to me and we can get a real relationship. It has always gone back to him betraying me, helping some other man to harm me, and then that look and that hate.

When I was a teenager he would give me occasional “pep” talks.

“Jennifer, no matter where you go in life, everyone around you is prettier than you, smarter than you, and more talented than you. You will always have to work much harder than everyone just to get by.”

I heard that one a few times.

Then there was:

“Jennifer, you are not smart, or even bright…” there was never any follow up to how I could overcome this to get by.

Awesome Ken, you suck as a human being. I hope whatever eternity has for him and his wife, son, and daughter”in-law” includes feeling the never ending guilt and pain for the cptsd I’ve suffered.

My mom loved me at least, I think anyway. But mother/daughter stuff can be complicated. I kind of have some ideas of why she came to her way of doing things. Her life, her early years, had complications. Like a lot of mothers, she was critical of me head to toe. But there was also that problem that had. Nothing she’d say. Just that physical issue I had that needed camouflaging or changing. No definitive explanation of what it was or what would help. That’s one great way to create body dysmorphia in your young daughter.

It was a childhood of neglect and constant, never ending criticism. So when I hear kindness or support it feels unreal. It takes work to process it. And I’m grateful for these people in my life that see me as an actual person.

An opossum came to my yard today! I’m so happy to see it❤️ there used to be tons of skunks and opossums walking through the yards here. They still can’t wander through like they used to because that violent man put a wall blocking any animals from passing behind his fence. It was on purpose , of course. Just to be a nasty person. So animals get stuck back there.

Hopefully though, this little opossum will bring many more of his friends! They are missed. Too many wasps since they’ve been gone☹️ I’ll keep hoping for him to disappear and for the ecosystem here to heal from this violent turmoil.

So hot today. Lounging with the dogs most of the day. I have a bunch of ice ready at all times this week to chill water dishes inside and outside. I still haven’t seen all of the missing cats. But I will keep things out in case they are just summer hibernating. I worry about all of them.

OSU put a little bee house in my yard today. They have a garden here and at a few other houses fur them. And the same in other neighborhoods. Last year some skunks vandalized it! It looks a little sturdier this year. more bees is always great🐝

I’m exhausted now. This heat on its own is rough. I have some emails and things to fill out. Hopefully I don’t fall asleep before I’m done. It took extra time getting dinners and clean up done. So it’s 10:30 and I’m finally sitting.

I’m grateful today for the beautiful animals coming back.

Me and my Teddy bear doodle are having a nice, quiet quality day. We got out for a very early walk before it got hot. Now we are snuggled while I try to get online stuff done🐶❤️🙂

Some outside cats have been missing for a couple of days. I always have to fear the worst, but hope they come back. I dream of someday being surrounded with neighbors who love animals and nature. I’d love to have people around who want to see the opossums, birds, and butterflies back here.

I heard a mourning dove a couple weeks ago. I had hoped she would stay. Such a sweet voice 🥰

It’s far too quiet this year, day and night. No crickets or grasshoppers. Although since I’ve been working on some rewilding, I’ve had some lightening bugs come back. That man had eradicated all of them in a day. Now I’ve had a couple dozen every night. I’m keeping light off or low, no mowing, and leaving yard debris piles about. I don’t know which is working for them. I’m happy to see them though, so I’ll keep working on safe spaces!

Putting a picture of my beautiful Anya today. My soul mate dog. I miss her all the time. I hope she is having lots of zoomies and cuddles where she is now❤️❤️❤️

Hugging my dog friend and my cat, Oliver. Trying to make myself get these two chores done. It’s all on my phone. I don’t even have to move.

I was reading some posts about cpts. Validation is so great. I’m afraid some of the physical damage I have from years and a lifetime of trauma is permanent. But any relief is welcome.

Oliver and pup hugs

❤️❤️❤️😻🐶

There’s been a lull in harassment. There was a man trespassing this week. But the past few years have been a constant onslaught by so many men. Violence, harassment, destruction, killing and harming animals. This man who is obsessed with harming me gets every man who works for him to harass and harm. He has gotten men who work for the city to help him. It’s been terrifying. I have some things to do for myself but it gets difficult to move most of the time.

I keep hoping that all of my reaching out to people, agencies, anyone really has done enough to bring me justice and peace. I keep looking for apologies. I keep hoping that someone will take accountability, or be forced to, and hand over something to start making up for all of the loss I’ve suffered because of this violence.

However, I have experienced mostly people wanting to join in the abuse, willing to harm animals and me further. I would hire a lawyer if I could. I have tried, I’ll hope for cash for legal help.

Why? Why do people like this get help doing this? I can’t get relief from the always looming threat of danger. I have to repair every part of my life now. It’s all destroyed. My finances, my business, my health, my garden, everything. But without some verification that won’t be harassed by any of these men the next day it’s impossible to really move forward. I always have to stay aware. I’m can’t leave my home without checking my cameras often. If I have a day where I have time to rest, maybe nap, without fail there is one or more of these men around. It’s constant still. Even with the short term renters coming and going over there there is still the constant need to be aware. That man or one of his minions will be here spreading poison to kill cats, throwing trash, rocks, and chemicals into my yard, setting up any manner of ways to try to hurt cats and me. It’s bizarre. It’s obsessive. It’s all been extremely illegal. But I can’t even get anyone to take the murder of these cats seriously. The threat to my safety and the destruction of my life is nothing to anyone. He has committed many felonies, broken many laws. I want to see some of these men face consequences and I want compensation to make up for my losses. I want to be free of this harassment while I am in my home. This is my right and it’s ignored.

My stomach is still hurting today. I have such a wonderful time with the animals in my life. I should be living a simple life with time to spare to care for myself and my home. That’s all I want.

Unfortunately, my dad has helped to encourage this man’s violence. I saw it happening. It’s not the first time. he would talk to this man. I know what he does. He will have a contact. Bond with another man. He’s emboldened many men who have hurt me. Since I have memories, I have memories of him being friendly with men who have raped me, stolen from me, or just been misogynistic and cruel to me. I begged him to stand behind me this time. Just once in my life protect me from the violent man instead of being friends with the violent man. But he could only betray me and hurt me more than I could describe. He had another chance to not do the things that support and encourage a man to abuse me. I don’t know how to explain or even wrap my thoughts around how the lifetime of betrayal by my dad has affected my life. He doesn’t even accept that his actions affect me. He will watch me cry and say his actions don’t affect me or anyone. He sounds like a sociopath. In fact, I came across the Ted Bundy tapes years ago. If you take out the talk of corpses it is like a conversation with Ken. My dad, Ken, repeatedly says the exact same deflections. Word for word, I’ve heard every deflection and every thought on Bundy’s tapes come from my dad’s mouth. So, I never know if people who have contact with him will take advantage of the opportunity to do what this man next door does.

I’ve never had anyone who would stand up for me, stand with me. Now I’m sure I’ll never trust anyone really.

I have to think of the positive things for the rest of the night. I still have to keep a watch out for violent men- always.

It’s starting to get hot. Heat wave this week. I’ll set up ice baths and frozen treats first my pup friends. I need to fill the freezer with ice for the animals outside. It’ll be a quiet week.

Beautiful day today. The dogs were so much fun. The cats were chilling happily all over. A heat wave coming next week, so I am consciously enjoying every moment this weekend.

It’s work, physically I am still feeling the aftermath of the trespasser. Trauma is so physical.

Today has been lots of deep breaths, listening to the birds and trees, and taking in how wonderful all of the animals re. There’s a band of raccoons that come through occasionally. They were out early tonight. I hadn’t picked up everyone’s snacks outside yet. Mommy raccoon had some great stuff for her kids! Good for them ❤️

I have to start regularly writing down things from my childhood. Internalizing things tears away at my health. I’ve tried to discuss my feelings and memories with family. The anger I face from them is terrifying. Especially my dad. He’s always been that way. His reactions to me are scary man mean. I’ve never been allowed to express my feelings or discuss my experiences. He’s always isolated me from his family. So he says whatever he says about me when the reality is emotional and psychological abuse.

His parents once paid for the whole family to go to Hawaii. My grandma called me and invited me personally. My dad spent weeks making sure I didn’t go. He would call, show up at my job and my apartment. He overwhelmed me with lectures on how I couldn’t leave my retail cashier job for that long. How irresponsible and disappointing I would be to everyone if I neglected my job to go on a vacation. How much people would be upset with me if I went with the family and risked my cashier job. I was 18 or 19 at the time. My entire life was listening to this kind of demeaning talk. So my entire family went on vacation together. I wasn’t allowed to go. I was excluded from most things that way.

These things are hitting me hard lately. After these past years of violence from next door, this lifetime of built up trauma, neglect, abuse is too much to keep suffering quietly and alone. It’s too much to survive in isolation.

I was at a point that I even tried reaching out to this family that I was never allowed to be a part of. They made it extremely clear that I am still not welcome. I mean I was born not welcome, so it wasn’t a surprise. It was painful, especially since I was desperately looking for someone in that family to finally accept and care about me over the holidays. But no. I don’t know how I survived this past few years. It may only be my determination to protect the neighborhood animals that has given me reason to be.

A lifetime of people using me as a scapegoat, gaslighting, neglecting, abusing, bullying. I’ve stood up for myself. At least as an adult I have. It took me decades to realize I wasn’t born the horrific, flawed, stupid mutant or was raised to believe I am. but I did eventually realize I’m an ok person. Actually, I am downright delightful at times. So I stand up for myself. Alone. And with such anger from some people when I do. It gets so scary.

Then I catch the eye of one of the beautiful animals around. What joy it is to gain the love and trust of these precious animals. I’m grateful for every minute I get to spend with them.

This week feels heavier every day. I can’t shake the discomfort from that man trespassing all over the place. I want to feel safe in my home and secure that my home is safe when I am not there. Since spring 2024 I have not been able to feel either of those things for a minute. Every time some man attacks my home, the animals around, or me, it increases and prolongs my stress. . It takes so much strength and time to get to a state of less alertness. It’s not just gone when they go. So that’s where I am right now. Recovering from the incident as much as possible. As usual though, there are no apologies, no assurances that it will not happen again, nothing at all. So I know it is likely to happen again. At least once in my life I’d like someone to show remorse for harming me. It’s never happened. Can’t trust anyone I guess.

Over the holidays my stomach lining was gone. I was sipping kombucha only for weeks. I’ve never felt so much physical pain. I am ready for all of this to be behind me now. I want to get back the safety I had and the beautiful life filled yard. I used to take pack naps midday outside. I’d stretch out on a lawn chair and the dogs I had with me would rest peacefully around me. It was bliss. Truly heaven and i knew it at the time.

I want that back

I haven’t checked on the little kitten yet. I know it is in good hands❤️ I will stop in before we go home tonight.

The animals in my life keep me going. I need to stop and take some breaths on these difficult days. They feel my stress if I am not trying to shake it off of me. I love them all so much.

Days old kitten crying for hours in my backyard. I kept watching for one of the cats around to take care of her. I drive around looking to see if a mommy had been hit by a car. (The last orphaned baby I found lost her mom to a car.)

I finally decided to take her to get her some milk. Gratefully!! The manager at petsmart had a rescue contact on her phone and got the baby a spot with a bottle feeder! I always doubt whether I am doing the right things for them. I’ll spoil the colony tomorrow to make up for taking the little one. But it was crying a long time and the raccoons were going to be out soon. Prayers for the kitten to find a perfect home and live a spoiled cat life❤️

They have gone above and beyond at that store. They’ve patiently helped me through a couple situations and they are so kind to Amy dog I bring in with me.

I care for these cats in isolation and out of necessity to protect their lives from the men next door who have hurt them. I’m so grateful when I have moments like this when others share the joy of these little lives with me❤️❤️

I didn’t take a picture of the kitten!! Why don’t I think of pictures? There’s always a camera here 🤷‍♀️ she looked like a tiny version of most of the cats here though so I’ll put one of them in this post

Not all bad.

I had to stop a walk early to run home. I’m tired of people being horrible. I’ve suffered through so much betrayal by people who I thought would never, I think I will never be able to trust anyone again. That’s fine. I won’t do the same things to others that they have done to me, they wont even notice. So whatever.

Plenty of good things today. I went to visit a kitty friend this morning. She was an orphaned kitty from one of the neighborhood cats. Mommy was hit by a car😢 the kitten was adopted and is living a beautifully spoiled life with a family who are obsessed with her😸

I’ve been outside most of the morning with the pups. And we will be back outside in a few. I need a breath after bad men cause problems. Gathering myself, counting my blessings, and hope the rest of the day is calm and productive.

Lots of rain today. Things will grow! There were lightening bugs in my yard again . Before the violence and destruction from the men next door my yard was filled with them at night. Some rewilding in the yard and they are coming back!