6-27-26

Beautiful day today. The dogs were so much fun. The cats were chilling happily all over. A heat wave coming next week, so I am consciously enjoying every moment this weekend.

It’s work, physically I am still feeling the aftermath of the trespasser. Trauma is so physical.

Today has been lots of deep breaths, listening to the birds and trees, and taking in how wonderful all of the animals re. There’s a band of raccoons that come through occasionally. They were out early tonight. I hadn’t picked up everyone’s snacks outside yet. Mommy raccoon had some great stuff for her kids! Good for them ❤️

I have to start regularly writing down things from my childhood. Internalizing things tears away at my health. I’ve tried to discuss my feelings and memories with family. The anger I face from them is terrifying. Especially my dad. He’s always been that way. His reactions to me are scary man mean. I’ve never been allowed to express my feelings or discuss my experiences. He’s always isolated me from his family. So he says whatever he says about me when the reality is emotional and psychological abuse.

His parents once paid for the whole family to go to Hawaii. My grandma called me and invited me personally. My dad spent weeks making sure I didn’t go. He would call, show up at my job and my apartment. He overwhelmed me with lectures on how I couldn’t leave my retail cashier job for that long. How irresponsible and disappointing I would be to everyone if I neglected my job to go on a vacation. How much people would be upset with me if I went with the family and risked my cashier job. I was 18 or 19 at the time. My entire life was listening to this kind of demeaning talk. So my entire family went on vacation together. I wasn’t allowed to go. I was excluded from most things that way.

These things are hitting me hard lately. After these past years of violence from next door, this lifetime of built up trauma, neglect, abuse is too much to keep suffering quietly and alone. It’s too much to survive in isolation.

I was at a point that I even tried reaching out to this family that I was never allowed to be a part of. They made it extremely clear that I am still not welcome. I mean I was born not welcome, so it wasn’t a surprise. It was painful, especially since I was desperately looking for someone in that family to finally accept and care about me over the holidays. But no. I don’t know how I survived this past few years. It may only be my determination to protect the neighborhood animals that has given me reason to be.

A lifetime of people using me as a scapegoat, gaslighting, neglecting, abusing, bullying. I’ve stood up for myself. At least as an adult I have. It took me decades to realize I wasn’t born the horrific, flawed, stupid mutant or was raised to believe I am. but I did eventually realize I’m an ok person. Actually, I am downright delightful at times. So I stand up for myself. Alone. And with such anger from some people when I do. It gets so scary.

Then I catch the eye of one of the beautiful animals around. What joy it is to gain the love and trust of these precious animals. I’m grateful for every minute I get to spend with them.