Too hot

Too hot for pups! I saw one of the cats that was missing. Now I’m hoping they are all in cool spots. I’ll keep icing the water dishes I have outside. They know where they are.

Most of the time my job is the most wonderful job ever. I get to spend all my time with sweet animals. But extreme weather days, although tough, bring up other stuff.

I am blessed with the people I get to work for. When the weather is very hot or cold. These people of course love to know how their pups will be safe in the weather. They also think of me. It’s an awkward, but nice, situation. I did not have a family that looked after my well being much. Physically, emotionally, nor psychologically. In fact, they often smirked when they would leave me in situations that were bad for me.

So now it’s a struggle to accept the kindness I receive from the people in my life. It took me a long time to realize it is often real kindness towards me like I’m an actual person! It’s difficult for me to stop myself from completely deflecting acts and words of kindness towards myself. I hope I’m getting the hang of just saying thank you without the internal struggle showing😂

I’ve spent so much of my life begging my dad to realize I am neither his ex wife nor an extension of her. Maybe he just hates me as much as it looks like he does 🤷‍♀️ the hatred in his face and his words sometimes is frightening to say the least. He’s always done that to me. I could be thinking maybe this time he is trying to be a father to me and we can get a real relationship. It has always gone back to him betraying me, helping some other man to harm me, and then that look and that hate.

When I was a teenager he would give me occasional “pep” talks.

“Jennifer, no matter where you go in life, everyone around you is prettier than you, smarter than you, and more talented than you. You will always have to work much harder than everyone just to get by.”

I heard that one a few times.

Then there was:

“Jennifer, you are not smart, or even bright…” there was never any follow up to how I could overcome this to get by.

Awesome Ken, you suck as a human being. I hope whatever eternity has for him and his wife, son, and daughter”in-law” includes feeling the never ending guilt and pain for the cptsd I’ve suffered.

My mom loved me at least, I think anyway. But mother/daughter stuff can be complicated. I kind of have some ideas of why she came to her way of doing things. Her life, her early years, had complications. Like a lot of mothers, she was critical of me head to toe. But there was also that problem that had. Nothing she’d say. Just that physical issue I had that needed camouflaging or changing. No definitive explanation of what it was or what would help. That’s one great way to create body dysmorphia in your young daughter.

It was a childhood of neglect and constant, never ending criticism. So when I hear kindness or support it feels unreal. It takes work to process it. And I’m grateful for these people in my life that see me as an actual person.