Author: JM

I’m going to nit think too much about the day tonight. Sleepless night. Emotional morning.

We sat with Cooper and his mom this morning. He just wanted to be outside. But he kept looking to both of us. 💔💔

I’m always have dogs with me. Coopers friends knew his mom was sad. They were so sweet. She got many pup hugs.

I’m taking tomorrow’s pack over to hang out with him. Hopefully the rain holds off so we can all sit outside with him.

It’s really not enough time with him. He’s a good natured dog. So sweet, so excited for a good walk❤️

I’m posting a picture of my little patch of goldenrod. For my little golden doodle buddy!

My little buddy Cooper is 15 1/2 years old. His health has been declining for a while. This coming Saturday his family is taking him to the vet for the last time.

He has been my little friend for so long. He was one of my first dog walking clients. 12 years, or close to that. I can’t even remember now.

He loves a good walk. He enjoys everything outside. And he is so cuddly🥰 he’s friendly with dogs and people. In his later years he even tolerated some cats.

A really good dog❤️❤️

My dog, Anya, will be waiting for him. Picasso, Roxy, Hank, so many dogs we’ve had in our pack during these years. They will be there ready for zoomies and good rolling in the grass❤️

It’s just never enough time with them. I mourn them all.

Cooper has been so dear to me. His family is wonderful. I’m lucky to have them in my life.

I hope this time I can grieve in peace. My mom, Anya, every time ive needed to grieve someone starts some abusive rampage. My brother after my mom died. The violent man after Anya left….

Hoping I can peacefully spend time with my little Cooper over the next few days.

I love you Cooper

I went through the yard and stuffed various shelters with fresh straw. I opened in and startled a tiny baby skunk! Poor baby, I can testify that box later. I hope the family is warm enough tonight.

The yard has been too quiet the past couple of nights. I think some kits moved away😞 I enjoy their crazy play and constant bickering. And I worry. So many animals are killed by cars and apathetic people. I wish CH would do more to stop the speeding and reckless driving. It’s a small city. So many animals shouldn’t be lying in the roads.

I hope someday our society can be caretakers of our local animals instead of their killers.🦨🦨

One of the worst years of holidays for me. They are all anxiety inducing but so years are worse.

Last year the violent man and his violent minions were on a rampage. I know he was determined to get me out of my home before he put it up for rent.

They had spent years prior harassing, bullying, and abusing me and the animals. They would be here at any and all hours to cause as much harm and stress as possible. They killed and injured multiple cats and wildlife.

But starting around October it started to accelerate. It was already shocking how so many men lacked any limit to the level of violence they are willing to commit. All for an ugly house in a low income neighborhood and a creepy old man.

It was clear I was in danger. That was when I first started posting everything online. Pictures of damage and the cats killed, detailed accounts of the violence and harassment, and pleas for help from anyone in Cleveland Heights. I had already started writing to the city, county, and state.

They did find out it was all online. The harassment and violence eased up some, but never completely.

The threat of violence to me and the animals here will never be gone as long as the violent man owns that place. He is deranged. Probably some level of narcissist 🤷‍♀️

My ‘family’ had never been there to protect me or help me. Not even as a child. I was injured and harmed so often as a child because of their criminal neglect.

For some reason I still went to them looking for help. Last year was the when someone in the Conley family should have stepped up for me. Someone should have decided that I am family and need and deserve support in hard times. But these people didn’t even think of checking on me after my mom died.

So no, not one person in that shallow, dysfunctional family even answered my pleas.

Holidays have always been tough to get through already. But those years when they prove so viciously that I was never a part of their family are especially traumatic. Along with the violence from that strange man I was worried my body might give out if the violent man didn’t snap and kill me.

These were very real possibilities. And it was scary.

Still my day to day responsibilities were too important. I think my love for the animals saved me.

They feel everything! So I’d breathe. I’d sit and force myself to focus on where the stress was hanging out in my body. Some days I’d would just swear at the tenseness and the looks I’d get from the dogs was too funny to ignore.

The cats outside would sense my stress the most. Lots of breathing focus! And I’d slow myself down around them. Anything to protect the animals❤️❤️

They are worth everything. I owe them for keeping me going through all of it.

We are so lucky to have them. Anyone who doesn’t understand that is truly lost.

The Conleys are a terrible family. I know that. I’ve suffered because of it. I’ll never forgive any of them. But it’s still hurts to go through those reminders that I was never loved or accepted.

Stupid holidays. I hate the whole thing

It’s warm enough to be out in the rain. Me and my poodle friend would be taking a rainy walk. But his other pup buddies don’t believe they are completely waterproof 🌧️

I’m thinking about starting a project in here this week. I need to create a safe space for some plants. My cat Murphy will eat any sprout he sees. I had some green beans start to look nice and strong. Murphy loved them. Along with the cat grass I grow for him😂

There’s a couple of hotbox greenhouses online that would be perfect in here. But expensive.

So I’m going to have to get a big creative. Soon. I hate spending money on produce. It more often disappointing than worthwhile these days.

It’s a good time to start working on some new things when I can find time.

Holidays are getting closer and it’s a terribly depressing time of year. I love the autumn and winter. Just not holidays.

Before my mom dies they were always a time of anxiety for me.

The people in my family and their families used me as a scapegoat and punching bag. I spent so much of my life paralyzed into silence. I could barely move most of the time. Afraid to speak, try new things, or even do any action for fear of the inevitable shame, criticism, bullying.

I think my dad knew he didn’t love my mom long before I was born. Maybe they started using me for their scapegoat before I was even breathing on my own.

It only got worse from there.

Holidays were a showcase for how much the family hated about me and my existence. I would try not to speak, move, or be noticed.

After my mom died the rest of them had no pressure to treat me as a human in any way. They are vicious and shallow. I never deserved any of the pain and bullying from these people.

Logically, I’ve known for a long time that I should be past that and beyond them.

It’s a lifetime of trauma and isolation though. It’s not as easy as just letting go.

Since her death, the holidays bring a new kind of intense trauma.

Every member of that family that went along with treating me as disposable, blamable, or other is responsible for the pain of these actions.

Leaving out a family member completely is such a horrific form of abuse. And it’s only because they believe anything my brother, father, and their wives make up.

I couldn’t explain the intensity of the trauma of this kind of family abuse to someone who hasn’t experienced it. I know that.

I know that there are other people out there who have been through it. It’s an abuse beyond abuse.

So holidays for years now have brought severe feelings of depression, pain, trauma symptoms.

It’s often a busy time with people traveling and busy with their own holidays. So I have many animals around. And the cold weather is an interesting time to be caring for outdoor animals!

Even with that it can be a battle to get myself through.

I hope each person in the Conley family, and each person in the family by relation, that has gone along with this abuse, or ignored it, gets to experience the level of pain they cause. Each one of them deserves to reap the pain of their abuse.

Maybe my anger this year will keep the despair in check? I’ll try to work with that 🤔

I’m not looking forward to it as usual.

I’m trying to get some energy together to get up and clean this floor before I go to sleep.

I almost had a day off a few days ago. I ended up working. It doesn’t look like any free days for a while. It’s not that big of a deal. I really have to schedule some things a little better though.

Get at least one extra chore done a day. It’s not much. My attention span is pretty short though. I can get distracted from room to room. ADHD? Chronic stress? PTSD? Mix of it all????

Whatever the reason, Im always trying to find the best method to keep up.

Unfortunately, while the violent man and his violent minions were working on the house next door. Things got very unorganized around my home. It’s going to take a while to put things back together from that extended traumatic experience. The destruction along the property line is not even close to dealt with either. So it’s a lot on my plate every day.

I really want to get up and get to this floor in this room tonight. It’ll feel like a success, on top of the good day I’ve had surrounded by animals.

My feed has been filled with horoscope posts lately 😂 I am drawn to watch reels about Aries traits. It makes me feel so seen.

I wish I could have had someone around throughout my life who could have accepted me just as I am.

There’s never been anything wrong with me although my family has always been filled with people who wouldn’t love me or appreciate me for just being the person I am.

Any sign of my personality was squashed, shit down, and shamed.

It took me so long, decades, to see the gaslighting, the cruelty.

I learned too early not to talk. So most of my life my words were few.

When I talk though it’s honest. I don’t play games. I don’t say anything I don’t mean. Or anything I don’t believe.

It’s painful to look back and hear how many times those who should have loved me took my words and twisted them.

Always an interpretation. A translation. My ex used to do the opposite of what I would say or ask. I’d cry and he’d say his mother and my mother would tell him I always said the opposite of what I wanted.

So if I needed rest. He’d throw the kids in the room with me. If I hoped we could spend time together he would leave to see friends etc…

I wonder sometimes if there’s misogyny in some of it. I’m supposed to be playing passive aggressive mother games or something.

I’ve heard that so much. I’ll say a thing and it comes back that I am trying to get something or something opposite of what I’m saying???

I’m can’t even put this into words because it’s nowhere in my makeup!

So these people that are supposed to love me, care about me. Never took a minute to hear that I am always just saying a fact as I know it.

If I don’t know what I think. I’ve got nothing to say about a thing. It’s pretty straight forward.

The few people who hear me and appreciate my directness, my honesty, my loyalty, have saved my heart from being crushed altogether.

And there are not many of them.

That’s all I’ve ever wanted from the people in my life. Honesty, honesty, honesty, and some loyalty.

I love my job walking dogs. They give me all of that❤️❤️❤️🤣🤣