Fight, flight, freeze. It all sucks, and I have all of these responses at times. For women fawning is a big problem too. I hate it. I don’t always see it happening, but sometimes I know full well it’s happening and I can’t stop it from happening. So many men have come to my home to harm me and harass me over the past few years. When men are working one the street in front of my house I fall into this. ‘Please don’t be dangerous‘
It was a normal state at some of the more toxic jobs I’ve had. Talking normally gets some men upset. Trying to set boundaries and standing up for myself definitely upsets most men, especially employers. My nervous system falls back to fawning. It’s desperation and fear of the abuse.
Brio was the worst. Those men were extremely misogynistic. Just talking normally was an insult to them. I got more and more filled with fear of just going to work. So I’d be in a state of high anxiety at work- always.
Of course, these men were the worst type of men. They’d make work stressful and exhausting. Then stand around laughing about employees. Looking directly at employees and laughing. Sick, disgusting, entitled management.
I had to get through every shift somehow. I worked harder than most people there and was reprimanded if I wasn’t always overwhelmed. Their favorite employees could stand around and chat with them and each other.
It was bad. It was overwhelmingly exhausting. I’d fall asleep taking my daughters to lessons. I had a hard time being awake long enough for them for anything because those awful, entitled, misogynistic, bullies made work unbearable.
Yet. My fear and anxiety dictated my responses. Survival
Survival so I could support my daughters.
So much of my life and possibilities have been lost because of people like that. I didn’t have choices though.
I had my first daughter at 20. Every minute of my life until they went to college was dedicated to them.
Every thought, every action, every day, every dollar, every bit of me and my life was for them.
There weren’t choices other than doing what I could to provide. I could have done a lot more had I had support for me from anyone.
I’ve never had unconditional support or unconditional love from anyone. I’ve given it. I have often given my care and devotion unconditionally and fully to others. It just doesn’t ever apply to me.
I could use unconditional support these days.
Every person of blood relation to me has made it clear that that is not a possibility. Everything is ALWAYS conditional when it comes to me. I’m not enough for them. My physical life is not even important to them. It never has been.
So I wonder, on my own, what that might look like.🤷♀️
Surrounding myself with animals gives me a bit of an idea. But their sweet little selves just do that naturally. They do have my unconditional love though. I’ll do everything I can for them. It’s what I do! I have many boundaries for humans now though!!
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