PTS and cpts stuff pops up on my feed. It’s helpful to know that some of the things I experience that I thought was just me, is not just me.
Since my trauma started because of my brother, Brian Conley, I’ve always experienced these things.
I’ve always avoided looking in the mirror. The avoidance increased every year in my childhood. I’d out in makeup without looking at myself as a whole. I don’t wear any makeup at all now. So it’s been years since I’ve looked in a mirror.
I’ve avoided pictures for most of my life. Especially once I hit teenage years. I sometimes have actual panic attacks thinking about having a picture taken.
There’s a few pictures of me out there. I had a senior picture at 17. I’m glad I did. I think it’s ok. And a couple from when my daughter was very young. I took one with my youngest a few years ago that doesn’t cause me too much stress to see.
I haven’t read past that others experience the same. I’m not in a situation where I can spend much time thinking about myself at the moment. Too many stresses that need to be gone before I can do that.
For me it extends to my words. I imagine it’s like that for others. I can’t listen to my voice. And I can’t reread things I write. Any spelling/grammar mistakes stay in my writing. And if don’t catch autocorrect errors as they are happening, those stay too😂
I’ve lived a lifetime trying not to be seen. If I didn’t have kids, I am not sure how much I would have hidden myself away.
I had so much potential for life. But I was born into a family that hated me from my birth.
My brother was my first abuser. I developed night terrors. I cried so much. I can remember these things. Brian never stopped terrorizing me. And he never faced consequences for sexually assaulting me. And I know without a doubt, he had never had a moment of remorse. I know without complete certainty that he has never spent a second considering how his grossly aggressive behavior towards me when I was a toddler may have harmed me. He uses my fear and my pain against me whenever he is able.
The traumas stared so early. I don’t have a reference to who I might have been without ptsd.
I’ve had chances to work on finding out.
There were a few years before my mother died and after I moved away from my ex where I had some emotional and psychological space to think about myself.
Brian took that from me. I don’t know what he was doing with my mother’s estate. But he made the pain stretch out for years. I wouldn’t know when I’d get threatening calls. People yelling about things that I couldn’t understand. I think it was in purpose. I would say, in tears, please I do not understand the jargon/ legalese, etc… I don’t know what this is about. But there would just be more threats and yelling. For years.
My life was gutted by the end. The world around me was tinged in black.
It was more years before I could start to look at my life with myself included in it again.
So it started to be lighter. I surrounded myself with dogs. I was outside every day. Things were quiet, blissful even sometimes.
Then the violent man showed up. My dad encouraged him and chastised me for not succumbing to more violence so my dad didn’t have to be bothered. I’ve been right back to pleading with my father to not just watch violence happen to me. I begged him, just this one time, don’t help the violent man hurt me. He always has. And he did this time too.
And he has been extremely violent. To me, to my home, to many animals. He has gotten groups of men to violently attack me and harass me. He got neighbors across the street to betray our ten year friendly coexistence. He has used contacts to aggressively come after me from the city and the misogyny I have encountered from the city and these men next door has been extreme beyond what I’ve ever experienced.
This needs to stop. I have not been able to be in my home and feel free from harassment and aggression from others. I try to be alone, in my home, and these people are coming to my home to make sure I am not able to have peace.
If I can ever take legal action I will in a second. I want restraining orders, or any legal means to keep all of these people from ever bothering me here in my home! or anywhere of course. but seriously, I’m not going to their homes. I want peace already.
When I can ignore the scum around, I focus on the important things. this earth has so many lovely things. I’m sick of the scum wasting my time.
I had a lovely day with the dogs. We took a pack nap. We had a new dog with us too. Sweet little boy.
Moonflower showed up. He didn’t run right away. But I still couldn’t get close. It’s nice to see him still showing up. Hopefully he only sees kind people from now on❤️
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