Category: Uncategorized

I’m going to have to accept that I can’t start the healing while I am overflowing with a lifetime full of back to back trauma.

I dont know when I can get to my mother’s death and the aftermath.

Today it’s about the last major betrayal by my dad, Ken.

I begged him. Please talk to this man. I wanted to have the property line checked because it was sure he changed it. I watched the numbers change online. Sometime in June/July he was able to pay someone or get someone to change it.

He could have been stopped. Boundaries could have been set. As it happened the violent man started committing his first felonies and the destruction was enormous and ongoing. I believe the trees were not even his to remove. There were cardinals nesting and living in those trees since before I had moved there. In fact the reasons i rented a worn down, unkept house was cheap rent, a fenced in yard, and the huge number of cardinals that lived there. They were eradicated in a day. Along with every beautiful and beneficial insect that made their homes in over a dozen trees. It wasn’t legal and it could have been prevented.

My dad was going to talk to him and have him stop until we could have our own property assessment. And I needed time to look into protecting the cardinals.

Ken promised to have him delay until we could straighten things out. He promised me he would make sure we had time to stop the carnage. I reiterated, Please Ken, don’t betray me on this. He was already violent towards me and I could not get help stopping him on my own. Ken PROMISED the trees would be there when I got home and we could get the property assessed.

When I got home they were gone. Ken didn’t pause. As soon as I walked away he did his make bonding. And as he had always done in my childhood, told this man he could do whatever he wanted.

The birds died. The insects and every living thing died. My entire yard scorched within the week. He had already torn my morning glory vines off of my entire fence. he sprayed all of my flowers through the fence. He had me physically shoved aside so he could come onto my property and steal my plants and shrubs. He had lawn people spray and seed my property because he felt entitled and Ken let him know he could do whatever he wanted. Since then there was constant harassment. He has killed and injured multiple cats. The entire ecosystem was eradicated. I am just know starting to see life again. But these animals get stuck because he put a wall behind his fenced in backyard with the sole purpose of harming and interfering with animals. He has poisoned so many animals. And every time he is here he throws more trash over the fence and spreads poison all over his mulch. I’ll talk about the violence of his fence another time.

This is about the things my father is directly ok with.

I knew when I asked for help staying in this house that he would make me pay. It’s always been that way. I never see how bad it can be though. I am not able to think like Ken to see what can come.

I never had linen words or protection from my parents. Never. I was born to be their scapegoat. By the time we moved to Hudson I was paralyzed. I didn’t know how I was allowed to behave or talk. It was always wrong and shamed. No matter what I did or said. So I would go to school scared, vulnerable, and unsure how to be around others. It was the 70s and bullying was unhinged. I spent most of the time sitting with my head down trying not to be seen. Then I’d go home scared always. I wasn’t even a teenager before men in their 20s saw clearly that I was not cared for. A grown man could come to my door and my dad would shake the creeps hand. My parents would joke and chat with a grown man and ignore their terrified daughter. They sicken me. Betrayal after betrayal. I always imagine Ken continues business relationships with the men who harm me. I have to assume they become the friends that stop by the his house on holidays. I imagine there is bonding over slandering me and laughter at my pain.

That’s who Ken and Karen are.

He will bond with men who harm me. Then turn to me with such mean hatred in his eyes. My pain disgusts him. He will get big and in my face and let me know how bad I am. That’s the father I have. When I cry he hates me more. It’s sick. He’s sick.

I’ve done well considering how difficult things are for me. But there are always complications and limits because of the trauma. I work ridiculously hard, always. Even now. I made some journals I’m trying to sell. I really need money now and I know they are good. But I’m limited in how outgoing and confident I can be.

I’ve never had anyone on my side though so I’m not hopeful.

I’ve never had anyone unconditionally be there for me. No one has ever backed me up to stand up against abuse and bullying. Never. I’ve had people empathize and still be friendly. But I am always isolated by abusers. People only turn their backs on me and ignore my pleas.

So this man gets away with violence and multiple felonies. My business that was thriving is not enough to get me by. Im afraid of losing my home right now. I keep doing more and more. And it’s so much harder for me than for people who haven’t gone through so much violence.

This is giving me severe pain in my stomach.

I’ll stop with adding that you can hear a word for word conversation with Ken Come money by listening to the Ted Bundy interview tapes. Minus the talk of corpses, every deflection and every lie and every obviously fake display of humanity is word for word things my dad says. It’s weird . I can’t say Ken is a sociopath or emotionally stunted. Maybe he’s just an abusive boomer. I don’t know. But it’s like he’s reading straight from Bundys interview. Yet, he is my dad. I was still hoping for some type of connection or something this last time we had a chance. I should have known

Geez I am in pain now. The pups were napping. It’s so hot again. I need some animal hugs. I’m going to try to catch a picture of that mommy skunk and her little baby tonight.

I’ll repost my posts about my journals on Stan store. I need them to sell

I woke up with too much stress weighing me down-ugh

This journal was meant to be the notes of my healing. I so rarely get moments to think about myself and how to get to that struggle to start healing. I’m exhausted from other people’s bad spirits. There’s too many of them.

I started crying at the park this morning. I avoid suburban parks because suburban people are the most rude and selfish people. It’s a disease. The plastic lifestyle kills people’s souls.

I’m still missing some of the animals around my home. There were so few left from the violence of that man so it’s noticeable when they are missing. A baby skunk came over pressed right up to its mommy❤️❤️

Money is an issue right now. My business was thriving before that violent man bought the house next door. Every area of my life has been devastated by the abuse. I made some journals and I don’t know how to get them sold. They are good. I know it. I’ve spent the past years mourning the loss of a beautiful, healthy neighborhood ecosystem. And I put all those memories and my wishes for the future into these journals. They have a simple structure and unlimited refill pages. I’m working every day on this and other projects. I need them to sell!

All I want is a quiet life surrounded by animals and plants. I deserve happiness!

I’m still going to have to get my mother’s death story down. What I went through from the Conleys was the worst abuse I’ve ever faced. I begged them to stop hurting me. In tears, on the phone, begging. They love to hurt me, scapegoat me, and isolate me. I know they feel they are punishing my mother. They refuse to see me as a person separate from her. So I’ve suffered because they couldn’t hurt her for whatever they think she was.

It’s too much pain. It’s overflows and paralyzes my life. I have always deserved so much better.

I’ve always dreamed of getting lawyers to stop their slander and defamation. Now I dream of lawyers to recover my lost life and money from the violent man. And I dream of him and his employees facing consequences for their crimes.

I’ve always assumed I have some sort of adhd. I have tried in the past to see if there are any records from my childhood. My parents would definitely have refused to support anything good happening for me.

I think they know this and I think they justify not accepting me as a real person because I am not like them.

I have always deserved SO MUCH better

I have one of those small single premixed drinks. I’m going to sip and watch some tv. Maybe trim the cat’a nails. Definitely snuggle Franklin the beagle 🥰

Dinners are done. I’m almost done with the cleanup and set up for morning. I love these sweet animals. I want to see things improve in my life so I can have more time to enjoy them. 🐈‍⬛🐝🦮🦨🦝🐿️🐦‍⬛

This is a rant today!

I found some wild chicory. Very pretty. So that’s my post picture today

This flower used to surround my yard. It is completely gone now. The entire ecosystem here was so devastated by that violent man. I saw this today at a park and it brought up lots of past feelings.

Im going to write some stuff about my mother’s death this week. How my brother and his family tormented me is just plain sick. So I’m going to get around to putting it all online and in writing soon.

This morning was a bunch of unpleasant nuisances. Starting at emails I received at 3:30 in the morning. Somehow I woke up and looked. Darn my sensitive aura.

I’m tired. But I had a great morning with all of the animals. We are having a little afternoon rest. Hoping the rest of the day is calm. And really hoping the early morning nuisances get straightened out quickly!

This common mullein is having a great life

It was just a little sprout a couple weeks ago. I think I’ll have to make sure it has its own area so it doesn’t spread too much. And save some leaves to dry for winter tea.

The pepper weed is happy to but slower growing

And some ginger is in the garden a lot

The cats love the little garden.

It took me two days to catch up on rest from the heat wave. That was rough!

We had some time during the days to spend in air conditioned homes. But the outside animals had a hard few days. I kept changing the waters and adding ice. Some of them would sit by the trays of ice. Poor sweethearts. I was worried because a couple cats were panting during the day. But they are ok now. And 60s overnight tonight. thank goodness!😅

I was able to walk around and take some more pictures of unknown plants around. I’m planning on getting some soil and starting on one patch of yard at a time. And I am going to remember to records before, during, and after. And take actual notes on what I’m doing in each spot. I’m so bad and keeping records and I’m terrible with following through on things. Getting this right is important to me so I am determined!

Here’s my visiting bees

Im watching a dog who is terrified right now. I won’t be able to take the trash out, or the dogs out, until almost morning. There are animals huddled on my porches and I wouldn’t dream of startling them while they are hiding there from the noise. Fortunately tonight there are none right on my street. I hope it rains all weekend so there won’t be any right here. Grumble…

I have never liked fireworks. I can’t understand people being amused by explosions. They are smoky, smelly, loud, and scare lots of people and animals. it’s ridiculous.

Bonus this weekend- I joined a Russian Blue group on facebook. Sharing pictures of my sweet, previously feral, Cinders and her babies is nice! And other people’s blues are awesome. They love attention 😹

I’m thankful for days like today. With the holiday it’s less likely that any men will find time to harass me or my home. I still need to check my cameras on a regular basis when we are out and about. Someday that will change. I never had cameras before that violent man showed up. There wasn’t any need. Someday my home will be safe from him and anyone who helps him. I’m sure of it now. Karma is definitely on my side!

It’s 10:30 and a m just sitting down. Long, very hot day. Dogs were able to get a few zoomies and short walks in between resting. I’ve spent a bunch of money on bags of ice to fill up water dishes outside. A couple of cats just sit by the ice. Poor sweethearts. I’ve barely seen the few animals here at all. I can’t wait for the cool down now. Both to count little animal faces outside and to have things easier on my pup friends.

I managed to get some emails sent and payments made and scheduled. But mostly it’s been managing the animals and the heat.

I kept having an uncomfortable thought creep in my mind today. I’m writing things down from my memories of my life, family, and traumatic events. It’s important for me to do this. The past few years were too much. It’s impossible for me to keep everything internalized now. The physical results of being coerced into shutting up and staying isolated are very, very real. It doesn’t matter to me if anyone reads this or not. I hope not actually.

But I know what I face if my dad sees that I am being open about my experiences. He will show up at my house. All angry and mean. He will jab his finger angrily at me, puffing himself up and towering over me. He will be mean and threatening while I beg him to please think of me like I’m his daughter. It won’t matter what has happened to me, how any of them have isolated, slandered, and scapegoated me. I will be punished.

I cry. It breaks me every time he does it. Of course it does. He won’t care.

It’s weird that it still hurts that I was born hated by that family even though I know they are not good people.

I have ice packs stuffed in my sheets so I can relax. Tomorrow looks like there will be some clouds and maybe rain. I want to spend some time taking pictures of some of the plants. I haven’t had a chance in the past few years to start creating my garden. I haven’t so many ideas and hopes. For years I’ve used my Amazon wish lists to store ideas. It’s easier than lists or sketches. And less depressing when I can’t start stuff. SO… there are TONS of plant wish lists and garden ideas. The English ivy I had started to remove all those years ago has flourished. It’s going to be replaced with some native ground covers. Some have volunteered already🌱😃

Oh yeah. OSU brought their bee house! I have some visiting bees for a few months now🐝🐝🐝 so wonderful. I want to see if I can get some pictures of gem at work this year.

Going to check out my Pinterest now. And read about the Amazon affiliate program. Maybe I’ll sort through my massive wish lists and try to see if I can figure out a way to combine those things. I may be too tired to be creative, or just tired enough

Too hot for pups! I saw one of the cats that was missing. Now I’m hoping they are all in cool spots. I’ll keep icing the water dishes I have outside. They know where they are.

Most of the time my job is the most wonderful job ever. I get to spend all my time with sweet animals. But extreme weather days, although tough, bring up other stuff.

I am blessed with the people I get to work for. When the weather is very hot or cold. These people of course love to know how their pups will be safe in the weather. They also think of me. It’s an awkward, but nice, situation. I did not have a family that looked after my well being much. Physically, emotionally, nor psychologically. In fact, they often smirked when they would leave me in situations that were bad for me.

So now it’s a struggle to accept the kindness I receive from the people in my life. It took me a long time to realize it is often real kindness towards me like I’m an actual person! It’s difficult for me to stop myself from completely deflecting acts and words of kindness towards myself. I hope I’m getting the hang of just saying thank you without the internal struggle showing😂

I’ve spent so much of my life begging my dad to realize I am neither his ex wife nor an extension of her. Maybe he just hates me as much as it looks like he does 🤷‍♀️ the hatred in his face and his words sometimes is frightening to say the least. He’s always done that to me. I could be thinking maybe this time he is trying to be a father to me and we can get a real relationship. It has always gone back to him betraying me, helping some other man to harm me, and then that look and that hate.

When I was a teenager he would give me occasional “pep” talks.

“Jennifer, no matter where you go in life, everyone around you is prettier than you, smarter than you, and more talented than you. You will always have to work much harder than everyone just to get by.”

I heard that one a few times.

Then there was:

“Jennifer, you are not smart, or even bright…” there was never any follow up to how I could overcome this to get by.

Awesome Ken, you suck as a human being. I hope whatever eternity has for him and his wife, son, and daughter”in-law” includes feeling the never ending guilt and pain for the cptsd I’ve suffered.

My mom loved me at least, I think anyway. But mother/daughter stuff can be complicated. I kind of have some ideas of why she came to her way of doing things. Her life, her early years, had complications. Like a lot of mothers, she was critical of me head to toe. But there was also that problem that had. Nothing she’d say. Just that physical issue I had that needed camouflaging or changing. No definitive explanation of what it was or what would help. That’s one great way to create body dysmorphia in your young daughter.

It was a childhood of neglect and constant, never ending criticism. So when I hear kindness or support it feels unreal. It takes work to process it. And I’m grateful for these people in my life that see me as an actual person.

An opossum came to my yard today! I’m so happy to see it❤️ there used to be tons of skunks and opossums walking through the yards here. They still can’t wander through like they used to because that violent man put a wall blocking any animals from passing behind his fence. It was on purpose , of course. Just to be a nasty person. So animals get stuck back there.

Hopefully though, this little opossum will bring many more of his friends! They are missed. Too many wasps since they’ve been gone☹️ I’ll keep hoping for him to disappear and for the ecosystem here to heal from this violent turmoil.

So hot today. Lounging with the dogs most of the day. I have a bunch of ice ready at all times this week to chill water dishes inside and outside. I still haven’t seen all of the missing cats. But I will keep things out in case they are just summer hibernating. I worry about all of them.

OSU put a little bee house in my yard today. They have a garden here and at a few other houses fur them. And the same in other neighborhoods. Last year some skunks vandalized it! It looks a little sturdier this year. more bees is always great🐝

I’m exhausted now. This heat on its own is rough. I have some emails and things to fill out. Hopefully I don’t fall asleep before I’m done. It took extra time getting dinners and clean up done. So it’s 10:30 and I’m finally sitting.

I’m grateful today for the beautiful animals coming back.

Me and my Teddy bear doodle are having a nice, quiet quality day. We got out for a very early walk before it got hot. Now we are snuggled while I try to get online stuff done🐶❤️🙂

Some outside cats have been missing for a couple of days. I always have to fear the worst, but hope they come back. I dream of someday being surrounded with neighbors who love animals and nature. I’d love to have people around who want to see the opossums, birds, and butterflies back here.

I heard a mourning dove a couple weeks ago. I had hoped she would stay. Such a sweet voice 🥰

It’s far too quiet this year, day and night. No crickets or grasshoppers. Although since I’ve been working on some rewilding, I’ve had some lightening bugs come back. That man had eradicated all of them in a day. Now I’ve had a couple dozen every night. I’m keeping light off or low, no mowing, and leaving yard debris piles about. I don’t know which is working for them. I’m happy to see them though, so I’ll keep working on safe spaces!

Putting a picture of my beautiful Anya today. My soul mate dog. I miss her all the time. I hope she is having lots of zoomies and cuddles where she is now❤️❤️❤️

Hugging my dog friend and my cat, Oliver. Trying to make myself get these two chores done. It’s all on my phone. I don’t even have to move.

I was reading some posts about cpts. Validation is so great. I’m afraid some of the physical damage I have from years and a lifetime of trauma is permanent. But any relief is welcome.

Oliver and pup hugs

❤️❤️❤️😻🐶