Author: JM

Mother daughter relationships can be complicated. I know my mom loved me even though she was rarely kind to me. I spent most of my time with her. I think I didn’t know what road to do. I can’t explain it. Maybe someday I will dig into all of my stuff with her, but later. The last couple years of her life changed her though. She was different. She used to say some of the most terrible things. Sometimes even racist and ableist things that were shocking to hear from her. I couldn’t say anything to her. If I so much as sounded like I might not agree she would immediately tell the next person we saw that I said this thing and laugh off my objections. I always stayed quiet and in the background.

When her third husband died she went kind of manic. She got overwhelmingly obsessive with me and my children. She had always wanted to take my children. She often came up with various plans for me to leave them with her and go work somewhere else. I didn’t do that. When Joe died – I can’t explain just how oppressive it got for me. I hid.

After I got out of her space she put her energy elsewhere. The last few years of her life she traveled with her rotary group. They help with a girls school in Africa. Help with vaccinations in different places. I don’t have the details. but it drastically affected her views. Her time with these children opened her eyes. She realized that all children are just beautiful children. When we got together again she had such different ways of looking about the world, people, everything. She was more open, more accepting, less critical. Less critical of me!

I wish she could have stayed longer. I would have loved to have the relationship with her that I saw possible. I’m grateful for the time I had to see that side of her grow. I’m grateful that she had that growth for herself. There wasn’t enough time for us to share all of this. It was too quick.

When she got sick we had some conversations. I begged her to leave me out of her will and all of the paperwork. She made it clear she was going to put me and my brother as co executors. I pleaded with her not to do that to me. Brian has always taken any opportunity to hurt me. He was abusive when I was tiny. Fortunately he never wanted to be a part of my life. But if he was there it was harm. I knew he would treat me badly. He was her son though. She wanted to believe that when it mattered he would do the right thing and make sure his little sister was okay. I begged her to not do that to me. (Many sighs here)

No Carol, he did not, and would never, do the right thing.

The pain and trauma your son and his family put me through was more damaging to me and my life than everything all of you had put me through during my entire life combined.

Although I wish we’d had more time. Fuck you Carol for setting me up to be tortured like that. Since I never had a chance to mourn your death because of your soulless son I can honestly say you did the worst thing in your life by making me go through that.

And Btian and his selfish wife can rot in hell for destroying everything I had worked so hard to have. It wasn’t much, but they are failures as human beings for taking so much from me. Shannon particularly had NO RIGHT to treat me like that. I called her for help to get a simple paper signed to move forward on closing Carols estate. It would have been done quickly.

Brian had said over and over he didn’t want anything to do with her estate. He wouldn’t even go see her before she died. Fine. Carols late husband’s law firm wrote up a small three sentence letter. Dumbed down further than possibly any legal document ever. It stated exactly what Brian said he wanted. He could be removed as co executor so I could close everything as quickly as possible. That would have been too easy and painless for me though. Because four years later nothing had been done except wipe all of my savings out and drove me to complete despair and a dark depression I had never experienced.

I called Shannon in the first month after carol died. January 2008. And I called Ken. I needed Brian to sign it so I could do something. Brian still said he didn’t want anything to do with it but I couldn’t do anything because he wouldn’t sign it over to me. I should have been grieving, not doing this. Both Ken and fucking Shannon took the opportunity to vent their own individual hate for my mother out on me. My mother just died. Each of them did this to me. They screamed over the phone, at length, all of the grievances that had with her as if I were her. Me, sitting there in broken tears begging them to stop, that I am not Carol and have no knowledge of any of their issues with her. I just wanted to get her estate over and done with. But they both started their punishment of me and, of course, Brian didnt sign the paper.

After that I don’t know what went on with any of the estate business.

I tried to pay Carols mortgage and bills for a while. It didn’t occur to me that I could just not do that. She had a house in Walden so it wasn’t long before I couldn’t physically try to do that.

I was waiting tables. And I was a single mother. I couldn’t do anything during work hours. I would get off of work. And there would be messages and emails yelling at me, condemning me for not being available. All sorts of notices of things that were done or happening. I never understood what was being said. Looking back I think that was on purpose. Lawyers for Brian and people that said they were there for me. Everyone would say things in the most legalese way as possible. I’d say I don’t understand. The reply was always something like this is what you wanted. I’d say I haven’t spoken to anyone and I don’t even understand what you are saying. There would be more yelling at me. Brian kept this going through 2011.

Shannon has always looked at me with disgust. And she got to villainize me and completely kick me out of the family I was born into. Brian, Ken, and Karen got to punish somebody for all of their hate for Carol. It never mattered that I have nothing to do with any of their issues with her. They made it clear that I was never anything more than an extension of my mother.

I get now that I was never loved. It was a nuisance for everyone that I was born. No one had any interest in my well being or even who I am as an individual person. But I wasn’t allowed to have any family. I’m not allowed to have relationships with anyone.

The cruelty of what they have done. The betrayal by ‘family’

It destroyed every molecule in my body. I don’t know how to describe what I’ve been through and how it affected every part of my life and my being. It was darkness and confusion for years. I felt some lift for a little.

But this violence started next door. The pain of having to suffer through this alone. Knowing that these people that were the ‘family’ I was born into would support and help anybody that is acceptable family. But it’s not for me. Shannon and Brian go about their lives like they are lively and beautiful. They are vicious.

I don’t know what they tell themselves and other people. But I know there are slanderous lies. I’ve seen and heard enough to know that much. I’ve dreamed of being able to legally stop them at least from the slandering.

If I could get justice for the extreme abuse. There must be terms for the forced isolation. The forcible removal of a vulnerable person from all ability to have relationships with their own ‘family’

They always used me as a scapegoat. From the moment of my birth. But what they did after my mother died is beyond evil.

Someone is out there who will be support for me. I deserve support and safety. I will get vindication. The people harming me now will face consequences. They’ve killed and injured many cats and animals. Someone will investigate. They e enjoyed bullying and attacking me because they know I’m alone. And I am very much alone right now.

I’ll get vindication. Ken, Brian, Karen, and Shannon will be seen for what they are and how they have destroyed a vulnerable mother and an innocent family member. They don’t care how badly they harmed me. They don’t care how much the ongoing isolation and abandonment harms someone. They will pay for it someday.

Everyone that supports these people who abuse me just because they can get away with hurting someone are just as culpable. All of them are just as evil for not looking at the pain they cause and for not trying to help me. All of them are just as guilty for not giving a moment to see how the abuse and violence is harming me. Never trying to help even though I cry out.

I deserve better people. Even after all of this my first act with those I care about is to support and help. I deserve that too

Before the violence from next door I never thought about security cameras. I never even locked my doors back then!

But now I can’t be out of my home and feel safe it’s ok. I check my cameras frequently when I’m out. I need to know if those violent men are around. At the least to know to look for damage or casualties when I can get home. Now I have to include looking if the people the violent men have ‘befriended’ across the street are out and if they are a threat to animals. Seriously, anyone who behaves violently for some creepy old man is a stupid person with no human value. So gross.

I would choose to be isolated over being like any of these worthless people, of course. It sucks there are no good, kind people around my home right now. Maybe that will change someday.

Lots of people stop at my driveway to sweet talk and try to make friends with any cat that might be hanging out. When I see it on camera it brings me such joy. They get so much stress from the violent people around us. They deserve sweetness.

Someday I hope to get funds for legal help. To stop the violence and destruction of my home, the animals, and my life. Hopefully to find out exactly what slander my brother, dad, and their greedy wives spread and send out cease and desist notices. Whatever else.

I deserve kindness. I’ve never done anything to try to hurt others like they do to me and the animals. I’d stop them in a second with the right support.

I’m need someone who is not Ken. It’s like a prank matrix? A big cosmic horror film. It’s a hell loop on earth.

Someone else, I beg and beg. I manifest. Someone other than Ken.

My dad has kept me isolated my whole life. My mother did too when she was alive. But she had definite limits to how much she would watch me suffer.

Ken though. He won’t let me talk to anyone but him and he hates me. I am not allowed contact with his family. If he is able to talk to anybody connected to me he is able to sever any bonding between me and others. If someone is abusing me he will empathize with them and aggressively DARVO me. It’s never been any different.

I have no family because I was and am never allowed or accepted.

I tried to go out and find ways to socialize when my kids got older. But Ken and his wife are social in this small city.

I don’t know exactly what all the slander is, but inevitably someone they know would get up in my face like there was some crazy thing about me they had to quiz me about. I’m a quiet person, so I had to stop trying. I know they have told people I use drugs of some kind. I’ve never been a drug user. Never liked them, not for me. Yet Ken asked me to tell someone I was a herion addicted. What!!!??? I’ve never seen herion, not interested, I’ve never had ANY addiction, and fuck no I am not slandering myself.

Why?

So once again. I asked, please help me find legal help. This man next door is never going to stop killing and harming cats, killing any living thing, and abusing me and my property, and my life. He’s a danger always. But, no. I can’t get a lawyer on my own with $$ legal aid says I don’t have enough assets for them to help me. And you try telling people a group of men next door have been violent and abuse to me and animals for years now.

Ken won’t let me talk to other people anyway. If I got help I think he’d find a way to stop it.

It’s horrific. It’s an evil I can’t understand.

And Jen hates me. I tell him all the violent acts this man commits and has other commit against me and animals. I, again, texted pictures and proof. I’m in danger, every day.

Ken says. I hope you never stepped on his grass. That would be bad, sooooo bad. I mean that would be just such a bad thing.

This man is violent to me. He has had his minions directly throw rocks at cats and killed three that way. Those rocks knocked half the boards off of my fence. Then he built a 50 foot wall of nails(top and bottom rows) sticking out 2and 3 inches to injure as many animals as possible.

Ken is concerned that maybe I might have stepped on his grass at some point. How bad I am.

Always, but look at you. Can’t you understand why these men want to be violent to you.

I hope Dante had actual insight into the circles of hell.

I hope that ninth circle of hell is real for my catholic father. And I hope it is worse and worse for every time he has betrayed his daughter.

I started sending emails to the mayor and the mayors action center a while ago. And I have told them that they will get updates with every act of violence and abuse. I want to make sure that they are as culpable in this as the violent man. When he escalates more dangerously, and he will-people like that don’t stop, they hold responsibility now.

Ken will stand by as this man assaults me and empathize with the poor violent man while telling me why it’s all my fault.

I have things I want to do. I am always planning and ready to move forward with my life.

Amy chance Ken has he destroys as much as possible. And the pain I endure internally is many times worse.

I’m praying to God, the universe, the angels, spirit guides, anyone!!!

Someone else, I need help and support from someone else, not Ken! Compel him to send a smart, capable lawyer to help me be free of abuse. I need to hear something good.

Anyone…,

No time to journal or even relax in days.

I got one journal on Amazon. More pending approval. And started work on the next one. It was hard work. Lots of formatting and editing. Things that are not a part of my everyday life!

I had a great talk with a wildlife expert. An officer actually. Very helpful. I wanted to do more with that information today, but the day disappeared fast.

I know I’m going to face the consequences of talking to my dad. The DARVO and gaslighting was all over the last conversation. Of course now that I try to keep conversations from turning to why I’m a faulty human being to him, I’m faulty for saying im not.

Inside screaming loudly

I wish I had been born to a better, kinder family.

Going to look at the next journal after this to clear my mind.

Bees and friends have been busy in the flowers. Still missing animals. but I will continue to jawed my home supportive of life and hope they all are still out there waiting to come home.

Someday I will not be surrounded by so many violent people. .

I’ll regain my income.

Hopefully I will have some time in my life free of abusive people.

This week, too much.

I have books on kindle publishing ready to publish. Just pending review. I’m hopeful but nervous. I’m not sure how to handle bad reviews or rejection.

I can’t stop coughing from the smoke. I meant to take a couple leaves from my mullein plant. I should definitely try that tomorrow.

Neighbor was at that house. He can’t not be violent. It’s not possible for him. There’s something very wrong with his brain. Out of it Ken has another chance to prove loyalty. lol, I know he will betray me😂😂

What compels me to continue to go to my father knowing it will end up hurting me?

I want tea I think I’ll fall asleep before I can stand up though.

Tomorrow I’m going to write something here. Earlier

Yeah, my dad tells men to go to my house without me knowing. I get treated like I’m crazy for telling them to get out.

Nothing new, but always awful.

There are large parts of my childhood that I don’t remember at all. I tried to get information last year and was met with contempt and anger and no answers.

The only early memories are of my brother, Brian, tormenting me. Yes, I know siblings tease. He didn’t, there was no love. He and his friends enjoyed terrifying toddler me. We had a shared attic bedroom. They’d call me over and scare me or expose themselves. Of course I had night terrors.

When I was a little older. I spent most of my time isolated in my room. I was bullied at school because I was already vulnerable. So I was alone a lot. I remember the fear I felt when someone would try to come in my room. I’d run and hold it closed or slam it hard. The thought of anyone in my room was awful even then. Those people were never kind to me.

I’m still having to defend myself from men trying to force themselves into my home. Why? When I say no it’s not an invitation for you to keep trying to find reasons or excuses to make me let you in. It’s just NO.

I’m sick to my limits of people coming to my personal space to be bullies. I will never be okay with any of this. Someday I will have money for lawyers and just have them officially stop creepy people. Take action where I can and have a safe home.

I found a place to file a report about the most recent trespassers. I had other things I wanted to do with that time. If I could get justice for all of my wasted time I would without hesitation.

I’m surrounded by hot and sleepy pups. Angels in earth 🐶❤️🐶❤️

I am forced to waste so much of my time on abusers and creeps. When all I want is to be left alone to enjoy the beauty of animals and plant some plants.

At least once in my life I want some of these abusers to face consequences.

It’s too hot to do much outside anyway. But I keep trying to be free of those kind of people so I can start building the life I’ve spent a lifetime trying to get to

That’s all this afternoon

I have gotten so many things finished. I need to get some sleep somehow though. I need to start experiencing long periods of time where no people bully me or the animals around here. It just takes up too much of my time.

I still finished part of a big project and was able to get out some related emails. Phew!

I wanted to put some more past traumas down. It’s too late to start and my stress about family is already high. Ken has been sending men to my home

Too tired 🥱 for

I haven’t been able to relax due to unfortunate revelations. Lowlife minions bullying tiny animals and women is sickening .

I’m using the time to work on kindle publishing. It’s clearly not meant to use with a phone🙄 I have a list of things to finish when I can get to a computer.

I need a full year without anyone thinking it’s ok to harass me because I’m alone. It takes too much of my time to deal with useless, nuisance people. Today I am angry about it all. I am beyond sick of my time being wasted by garbage people.

Tomorrow is going to be tough. I’m going to be tired, no chance to rest.

At least I’ve gotten some work done

I thought since the house next door was being rented. Sort of, it’s a house being used as a motel. But at least there should be times when that violent man and his minions aren’t around where I can feel safe. It turns out the people across the street may be abusing the animals. And possibly trying to bully me also. I was suspicious that they had decided to be worthless scum and try to join in the abuse. But know I know my suspicions were right.

My camera sent an alert. This grown man across the street came straight over to my driveway to scare a poor sweet cat sleeping peacefully. Another grown man is around my house having fun abusing and scaring small animals.

These people have been my neighbors for over ten years. I thought they were nice. I went to this woman when these men were violently attacking me, my home, and the animals . She had spent years saying she liked having cats around to keep the mice under control.

Some creepy, deranged man was able to get this woman to bully a neighbor and abuse animals.

Are these people that worthless that they think they are cool behaving this way?

It’s so pathetic for a grown man to scare an animal. You have to be the weakest, lowest type of person to take joy in harming a woman living alone and small animals.

I wish my camera was better. I went out and trimmed the plants. I wanted to let them grow higher but now I know these gross, pathetic losers like bullying small animals and women.

If it’s hard to see he walks straight towards the cat all puffed up like the animal he is. Then he turns to his cat, looks up at my other camera to see if the light is in, then points back to his mother in victory for scaring a tiny cat. Only the most worthless of women would be proud of her grown son, in front of her grandchild, for bullying a cat.

🤮no morals, no dignity, no basic intelligence, no integrity

May every person in their lives find out that they are the kind of people who bully animals and women living alone. May every person who has any part in their lives know that they are so pathetic and low that they want to make a woman living alone feel unsafe in her home and unsafe in her neighborhood.

I don’t even remember what these people’s names are, they behave like this for the approval of some mediocre, unintelligent old white man. There is nothing in this world lower than people like them.

Please give many thoughts of safety and happiness for the sweet cats that are just trying to be comfortable and safe in the heat.

Too tired to do much journaling. Starting the self publishing process so my brain is as tired as the rest of me. I’ll have this project up before the weekend ends. 🤞

Mommy and baby skunks were back again tonight🦨🦨