It doesn’t. I can go through day to day. I can take care of all the sweet animals around me. I can enjoy their beauty and the nature I see every day.
I can even have dreams and hopes. I’ve worked very hard my whole life and still do. I don’t mind. I’d love to be able to do some projects around my house though. I have dreams.
But even if people stop abusing me and the animals around here, it will take me a long time just to put things back in a normal state.
I’m always working on putting things straight. Physically, financially, emotionally.
But the threats to me and my surroundings are still here. The violent man was next door yesterday.
The non violent house on the other side is up for sale. The realtor buried animals alive. So it’s not nonviolent anymore. The family across the street are still flying monkeys for the violent man.
I still have to keep a protective watch over any animals here that I can.
And me, the violent man is nothing to be anything but that. People like that don’t change.
So I’m still physically isolated here.
Someday better people will be in the neighborhood. It was nice before. It will happen.
The bigger traumas will always be with me though. All the pain from my childhood. That marriage.
And I tried to move past those things. I didn’t well. I worked and supported my kids when child support didn’t come in for so many years.
I took them to classes, lessons, played and loved my time with them.
But the family who erased me, neglected me, and abused me made sure I was unsafe. Any chance they had to hurt me, cut me down, slander and scapegoat me.
I’m not a strong person. Im not able to engage in these games and whatever these things are these people do. All I can do is say please don’t. Please stop.
And then they punish me.
I experimented with standing up for myself. And trying to share my thought about things out loud.
They punished me, shunned me, shamed me, and slandered more.
I just don’t want to have to keep quiet all the time. I want to be able to talk about stuff. I’ve never in my life been allowed my voice.
And the Conley family, and relatives, still punish me for having tried to do so.
I am allowed to be an individual with thoughts, feelings, emotions, and responses all my own!!!!
There has never been a moment when the hatred I have received from family, and the ones who I loved the most, has been reasonable. It’s just misogyny.
I’m supposed to be the person they expect me to be. I am supposed to shut up and not make anyone feel uncomfortable for any harm or pain they cause me.
Shut up Jennifer. You’re not worth anything to the family Jennifer. You’re not important Jennifer. You’re wrong for existing Jennifer.
Fuck them.
Even if the people who I loved more than anything on this earth understood how bad what they did is, I could never trust them again.
That means I’ll never have anyone in my life I could trust. If they would hurt me like that. There’s no one who wouldn’t.
When I found out what they did a couple weeks ago, it made it clear that they never valued me like I thought they did.
These people were the first experience of real unconditional love with people I’d ever known. I never had that from my parents or brother. Now I know it was one way.
They can’t take that live from me though. It’s still feel it though I’ll never trust them.
How does one deal with such deep betrayal? How do I manage my days knowing the things these people are willing to do to me. Knowing there is no limit to the amount of harm that would come to me that they are absolutely fine with. (I don’t even know how to write that!)
I would have given my life for them without a thought. They know that. And I wasn’t even worth taking a moment to listen to me try to start opening up.
I tried. They punished me immediately. She shut me up and twisted my words around so fast.
I tried to get her to hear me. To hear that she’s again twisting my words to make me sound different than me. I wanted so badly to be able to have conversations with them like I was able to with some other people. It’s been new to me.
I’m was kept quiet my whole life. They punished me for wanting something different. I would have given them anything, even my life
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