Grandma H

Every once in a while I would get to visit my Grandma Hepner by myself.

I don’t know all of my mother’s family history. She gave me bits and pieces hare and there. It seems clear that her father was very strict about how he thought women and girls should live. I think she was very restricted as far as activities and educational opportunities. I’m sure it was fairly common then and my grandmother probably was okay with to a point.

But she was so good to me. She is the only person that made me feel loved, safe, protected, and understood.

I was a quiet child and I liked doing quiet things. She was part of a group of old women who got together for food and crafts.

It was glorious! They all had kilns. They made doll, tea sets, crazy ornate porcelain projects everywhere. They would paint such colorful, intricate designs. Sewing projects. The dresses for the dolls is what I mostly remember from their sewing times. And loads of delicious sandwiches, snacks, and treats.

I would spend days engrossed in crafting, painting, and sewing.

My grandmother and all of her friends would constantly help me and check on how I was doing. They wanted to know if I was having fun. So much loving attention. The absolute best times of my life!

I watched my mother’s interactions with her over the years. I don’t know what they discussed or how they grew together. There was strain sometimes.

I saw a change with them in my mother’s last years. Along with everything else. before my grandmother died she was visiting for a couple weeks.

It was so nice. I wish they both could have stayed with me longer💔💔

We had an afternoon together. Lunch outside in Little Italy. My youngest daughter was there too. I don’t remember where my oldest daughter was. It would have been nice for her to be there. It wouldn’t have been as profound to them as it was to me. But still.

Such a beautiful day. My mother and grandmother were so happy being together that day. Grandma went in for surgery soon after that and died from an aneurism afterwards. Then my mother a while later.

I miss them both.

I’ve never felt safe and protected like I did with Grandma Hepner. Every other person who has ever supposed to care about my well being has only betrayed and harmed me.

I’ve always wanted that feeling again. That love. That comfort.

I’ve asked, begged, tried to remind other ‘family’ members that I am a real human that feels pain.

I’m thinking it’s just not there for me. It was only Grandma Hepner.

It makes what I am suffering through that much harder. I will always have to keep watch on the living beings around my home. They are always in danger. I am always in danger. People who are comfortable and happy to kill animals are a danger to everyone. I’m still going to hope, and keep working towards, getting justice and vindication.

I know it’s always going to be in isolation. I’ll never forgive those who have turned their back on my suffering. The same as those who harm me and animals here. I’ll keep fighting for us anyway