Rainy Saturday

It’s warm enough to be out in the rain. Me and my poodle friend would be taking a rainy walk. But his other pup buddies don’t believe they are completely waterproof 🌧️

I’m thinking about starting a project in here this week. I need to create a safe space for some plants. My cat Murphy will eat any sprout he sees. I had some green beans start to look nice and strong. Murphy loved them. Along with the cat grass I grow for him😂

There’s a couple of hotbox greenhouses online that would be perfect in here. But expensive.

So I’m going to have to get a big creative. Soon. I hate spending money on produce. It more often disappointing than worthwhile these days.

It’s a good time to start working on some new things when I can find time.

Holidays are getting closer and it’s a terribly depressing time of year. I love the autumn and winter. Just not holidays.

Before my mom dies they were always a time of anxiety for me.

The people in my family and their families used me as a scapegoat and punching bag. I spent so much of my life paralyzed into silence. I could barely move most of the time. Afraid to speak, try new things, or even do any action for fear of the inevitable shame, criticism, bullying.

I think my dad knew he didn’t love my mom long before I was born. Maybe they started using me for their scapegoat before I was even breathing on my own.

It only got worse from there.

Holidays were a showcase for how much the family hated about me and my existence. I would try not to speak, move, or be noticed.

After my mom died the rest of them had no pressure to treat me as a human in any way. They are vicious and shallow. I never deserved any of the pain and bullying from these people.

Logically, I’ve known for a long time that I should be past that and beyond them.

It’s a lifetime of trauma and isolation though. It’s not as easy as just letting go.

Since her death, the holidays bring a new kind of intense trauma.

Every member of that family that went along with treating me as disposable, blamable, or other is responsible for the pain of these actions.

Leaving out a family member completely is such a horrific form of abuse. And it’s only because they believe anything my brother, father, and their wives make up.

I couldn’t explain the intensity of the trauma of this kind of family abuse to someone who hasn’t experienced it. I know that.

I know that there are other people out there who have been through it. It’s an abuse beyond abuse.

So holidays for years now have brought severe feelings of depression, pain, trauma symptoms.

It’s often a busy time with people traveling and busy with their own holidays. So I have many animals around. And the cold weather is an interesting time to be caring for outdoor animals!

Even with that it can be a battle to get myself through.

I hope each person in the Conley family, and each person in the family by relation, that has gone along with this abuse, or ignored it, gets to experience the level of pain they cause. Each one of them deserves to reap the pain of their abuse.

Maybe my anger this year will keep the despair in check? I’ll try to work with that 🤔

I’m not looking forward to it as usual.